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School suspensions and girl fights; is there a correlation?

Nov 24th, 2013
by Zendette.
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The plot thickens, apparently Karen isn’t the only girl feeling rejected by an “in” group. Several parents contacted us over the weekend after Karen had another incident at school. But this time, they called to support us, and to tell us that Karen’s behavior isn’t the main problem there. Several girls report being bullied, some in real time, and some over a chat network that the kids with access use to communicate. Karen has reported being bullied, but we always go back to the fact that she acts out, and it’s hard for us, from afar, to know who started what. But when I hear from other parents stories so similar to how Karen’s been ostracized, I realize that Karen has been very brave, and has worked tenaciously to control her desire to deck some of the girls who have been particularly cruel to her. I’m so proud of her for the self control she does manage to exhibit on an almost a daily basis.

But this news came to us only after I recieved another call from the school to pick Karen up because, “she can’t stay here due to behavior”. That’s it, no further info. When I arrived, there was still no one to tell me what she did. I took her home, and only later heard that she walked out of her classroom, and locked the door on a classful of kids and the teacher. From what other children said, the teacher freaked out and then some of the kids got hysterical. Considering that all teachers and half the kids have cell phones, I don’t understand the panic, especially by a teacher. I’m certainly not condoning what Karen did, and she’s been grounded for the last two days because what she did was wrong and dangerous, but did it really warrant pulling me out of work for a third time in one month? Not only that, but do I want my child in a classroom with an hysterical teacher next time we have a real air raid siren? I know Karen, and she’d help the teacher get the kids out, but I want a teacher who can be relied upon to keep calm in much more challenging situations than a locked door.

My first question to Karen was whether she understood why what she did was dangerous. I assumed that if the principal suspended her, someone would have explained to her why what she did was dangerous and wrong. So that’s the talk we had when she got home, mostly on the dangers, etc. No one at the school even told her why she was being sent home, let alone why what she did was wrong.

I wanted to schedule a meeting with the school immediately, but Hanukka starts in 5 days, reason enough for the school to put us off for another two weeks. By then, our world will have a different hue.

Gotta thank the great parents for their support during what has been a really hard week for all of us. It totally warms me to know that some of the parents I most admire have been so supportive.

Posted in: Parenting.
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Love hurts

Nov 12th, 2013
by Zendette.
1 comment

This blog was all about honesty, and being honest about the challenges as well as the intense love involved in raising my children. While things have only been improving during the last 2 years for both of them, we’ve had a real roller coaster with Karen lately, and I’m not sure how to help her.

She has a huge chip on her shoulder and takes any kind of rejection very hard. She gets angry and lashes out at whomever she feels has let her down. But sometimes, especially with the girls she would most like as friends, the rejection is real. On the one hand, she wants lots of friends, on the other, she’s bossy and overbearing and gets pissy if a friend doesn’t want to do the same thing she had in mind. I’ve tried talking to her, but she gets defensive and always puts the blame on the situation, the friend, me…anyone except herself. She’s smart, and I think she recognizes that she’s to blame, but she keeps focusing on how she treated so many of the girls in her class when she was “younger”, and she feels that now that she’s learned to control her hitting, they should be welcoming her with open arms. After all, when she was hitting, I always told her that if only she stopped, she would have more friends. But the truth is, she still hurts some of the kids. Maybe she doesn’t punch or slap them, but she grabs, pushes, trips up and does all kinds of smaller things that involve her either touching them or their property in a way that hurts or damages.

She knows, after testing us for years, that we’ll love her no matter what she does. But she can’t seem to understand that once you’ve gone too far with someone outside the immediate family, they won’t love her. They’ll hate her because she scares them.

She still sees friends and participates in lots of activities. Truth is, she doesn’t have much free time, and when she is free for any reasonable bloc of time, she often visits with friends. But she doesn’t have a best friend. She did, but she feels like another girl “stole” the best friend. But she does have a lot of casual friends, both older and younger, whom she knows mostly from school. I know I can’t create a best friend for her, and if I could, she’d find some fault that would make it a deal breaker for her. I think her hunt for a single best friend ends up hurting her even with more casual friends. Once she sets on wanting one girl as “her” friend, she gets jealous when other girls have her attention and may not be including her. Suddenly, she’s hurt and angry at both of them. She has articulated very clearly that she fears the original rejection of her birth mother will recurr if she were ever able to meet her and I think she’s replaying that in some way in each of her close relationships.

One therapist told me that she still may not be ripe for learning friendship. She still needs to overcome some basic trust issues and be emotionally available. She’s wonderful with Matan, and when we’re doing family stuff, so maybe she still needs to feel her family life is more solid before she can really be open to socializing properly. In one sense, I’m grateful because the lack of a best friend means she really gives herself much more freely to us and Matan. We’re her refuge. But the lack of a best friend, and her inability to socialize in a pleasant manner seem to be the biggest cause of her anti social behavior at this point. Then again, I could be completely wrong. Been known to happen.

Posted in: Adoption, Parenting.

Another great adoption blog

Nov 8th, 2013
by Zendette.
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I just discovered a wonderful blog by another adoptive mom. I’ve only just begun reading, but any mom who can let go and let her son eat what he wants rather than maintain a battle of wills is someone who “gets it”.

Lots of great material for all parents, but this part is exactly how I feel, and what I pass on to my own children:

I have said that giving birth to a child is a truly miraculous experience, but that the way in which he came into my life is a miracle of a different order. The stars had to be aligned in such a way for our miracle to have taken place; yes, it is clear that he was meant to be my son and I, his mother. I’m glad that he believes this, too.

Visit: www.gailharriscreative.com

Posted in: Adoption, Parenting.
Tagged: · · · ·

Washington, DC, here we come!

Nov 6th, 2013
by Zendette.
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We’re finally planning a trip to visit my mom and home back in the US early next year! I haven’t been to visit since we began our adoption journey, in other words, since we first began planning for the first adoption, more than 8 years ago!

Checking out Airbnb and some other sites to find a comfy short term rental near my mom so the kids can get to know Grandma and Grandpa. DH finally gave me an ultimatum. He’d been promising Karen that she’d get to visit the US “soon”. She told her friends she was going, and now it just has to happen. He said if I didn’t want the stress of the trip, I could stay home with Matan. No, that’s NOT going to happen, so now I’m in charge of planning this thing.

Karen’s so excited and after catching me checking out apartments on Airbnb, all she wants to do is look at photos of houses in America, when she’s not online working on a new Power Point presentation. She’s becoming an expert.

She really enjoys creating and delivering presentationes to her class. She usually does her own research online, but then puts it together with some of the other girls in the class, and they all take turns presenting the slides they contributed. It’s a great learning tool and something she enjoys doing. It’s similar to the reports we were doing in third grade, except our resource was the Encyplopedia and a trip to the DC Zoo. Today all you need is Google. The presentations are sort of an extra activity that the students are encouraged to do, but which aren’t mandatory. She’s still struggling socially, but is working at repairing relations with the girls who matter to her. She’s had some incidents at school, but nothing violent and overall her teacher says she shows a lot of control. The teacher told us that she’s become aware that sometimes girls accuse Karen of hitting or pushing them when it just didn’t happen. Even the vice principal of the school told me she spoke to Karen and another girl after one incident, and felt strongly that Karen was being truthful. Overall, she’s very motivated to excel, and usually does when it’s something that interests her.

Matan is enjoying his after care program. He enjoys most things that keep him busy and out of the house. He loves being with a larger group of children than he sees during his special education mornings where there are only 6 boys. No girls. In aftercare, he’s made friends among both boys and girls, and he participates in the drama and yoga classes they have once a week. He’s also started Judo along with Karen. His class comes just before hers, so we get to spend a whole 3 hours there! He’s really into it. Once he gets his Judo outfit in a week or two, he’ll be hooked.

Ok, back to airbnb.com and vrbo.com. After my eBay binges, this should be tame.

Posted in: Lifestyle, Parenting.
Tagged: · · · ·

Adoption stories – to tell or not to tell

Oct 4th, 2013
by Zendette.
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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAWe’re finally getting into the school year. Holidays were great, spent lots of time with DH’s family. Kids loved it since they enjoy being with their cousins. Matan went to his regular daycare (not special ed) for a full day while pre-school was out. He seems to be doing well there. A few glitches in the beginning, but he already has friends there who want to meet him for playdates, if only I can find the time. I found a lovely fifth grader who takes him from taxi into daycare on the two days I’m in the office. She’s super-excited to have her first job, and her mother is usually around for backup if necessary.

Karen is adapting to increased homework demands and the added responsibility of being in 3rd grade. She still refuses to read a book, but occasionally watches movies in English and reads the Hebrew subtitles. Tennis 2x a week started a few weeks ago, but Judo 2x a week will only begin next week. Then we’ll see if her afterschool activities are too much to manage along with her homework and trying to fit in playdates whenever possible. She’s incredibly independant, and loves going to the grocery store for me whenever possible…unless she’s got the iPad.

Both children see our adoption social worker who has known us since we first came home with Karen. Karen’s working on an adoption story book, using photos and text. I gave her piles of photos to work with, but otherwise, she won’t tell me a thing about the project. Ruti, the social worker, is also trying to help Matan understand his adoption story. I get a lot of pushback when people discover that we tell our children their adoption story at a young age. But the overwhelming evidence indicates that children who understand at least the basics of their adoption story tend to have an easier time with the reality of adoption as they get older. The worst time for a child to discover he/she is adopted is during their teen years. They often feel they’ve been lied to their whole life if they find out once they are older.

While Karen has always been interested in her adoption story, and often asks me to tell her the story at bedtime, Matan avoids any reference to adoption. This means he gets some of it, which makes me happy since we are always interested in his cognitive abilities and whether his difficulty speaking also affects his ability to understand. When Ruti began talking to him about being adopted, he denied and avoided. She then asked me to attend the next session with some photos from his adoption to make it more real for him. He’s seen all the photos, and I’ve tried talking to him about it in a positive way, but he’s always avoided it. With Ruti, she was able to redirect him back to the story I was telling him. She also guided me in telling the story in a way that made it easier for him to grasp.

Next week we start one-on-one meetings with the staff at Matan’s special education class. I’ve already received positive feedback from Ruti and some of his clinicians at pre-school that he seems to have made some pretty big steps forward over the summer break. Ruti feels he may be on the cusp of a breakout in terms of maturity/development. I’m not sure how much of it is the Ritalin, which I only give him on school days, and at half the lowest dosage available.

While Karen seems to be doing well in school, she has increased anxiety and panic attacks. She always had anxiety around dogs and other animals, but this week we had our first full blown panic attack when she thought she saw a huge spider. Her fear of dogs is improving with the work she’s been doing in animal therapy, but now she’s expanded her fears to include bugs of all types. She takes the stairs rather than get in an elevator where she saw a spider earlier that day.

Posted in: Adoption, Parenting.
Tagged: · · · · ·

Syria needs massive humanitarian assistance, not a pat on the back for destroying their chemical weapons

Sep 11th, 2013
by Zendette.
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I am ashamed. Ashamed that we, the “West” have let down the people of Syria, leaving them to be slaughtered or scattered with no hope of assistance. While we tend to remember our own losses of almost 3,000 lives on September 11, I can’t help but think of the humanitarian disaster facing Syrians for the past 2+ years. The term Holocaust is jealously guarded by us Jews, but don’t think it would be going too far to call 1 million displaced persons/refugees, and over 100,000 dead, a Syrian Holocaust.

The world hailed Syrians more than two years ago when they rose up in non-violent demonstrations demanding more freedom from their dictator, Bashar Assad. But Bashar’s regime responded with violence that only increased as the non-violent movement grew throughout Syria. No doubt, the situation in Syria is beyond complex, not dissimilar from the demographic challenges faced by its neighbor Lebanon, and which caused decades of civil war and occupation, first by Israel, and later by Syrian forces sent to “help” Lebanon. With their mix of Sunni, Shia, Christians, Druze and other minorities, both countries need to balance the needs of the various communities, while making sure that all are secure and treated equally by their governments. In practice, this is hard to impossible to implement. Syria resolved their sectarian issues for many years by relying on an all-powerful dictator to ensure the rights of minorities. The system seemed to work well, if one ignores the ~20,000 dead in Hama, accused by Hafez Assad of being Muslim Brotherhood insurgents. Since that massacre in 1982, few have dared raised a voice against either Assad, father or son.

So here’s were we stand, with more than 100,000 dead from “traditional” weapons, not WMD, not chemical weapons. Another 250,000 injured and more than a million refugees and displaced persons. And yet, it still doesn’t have the shock value of losing 3,000 humans in a single terrorist attack. The two can never be compared.

Posted in: Politics.
Tagged: · · ·

So far, so good

Sep 1st, 2013
by Zendette.
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FirstDayofSchoolThe school year’s just begun, but it looks like it’s going to be better than the last. While I haven’t yet met Karen’s teacher, the reports are all good, and Karen comes home in a good mood. The biggest difference between her new teacher and her last, the new one doesn’t yell. That itself will reduce her stress levels significantly.

We started Matan on Ritalin two days before the school year started. It’s a very low dose, mostly aimed at determining whether it will make a difference for him. It’s hard to get approval for Ritalin for children under the age of 6, but he’s 5.5, and we got approval from 3 doctors and our health insurance. He surprised everyone when we arrived at pre-school on the first day, and he began telling his teacher about his recent dreams of sleeping in the large air pipes he sees along the ceiling. He also told her that he lost his first tooth, but that he was afraid of the tooth fairy, in spite of the cool Lego she left him in exchange for the tooth. I could see his teacher was impressed. I think this was way beyond what she had heard from him even a month ago, before going on summer vacation.

We go back on vacation on Wednesday for Rosh HaShana, and then another 3 days of school, and then vacation again for Yom Kippur and Sukkot. Very confusing for adults No idea how kids can be expected to keep up with it.

My biggest challenge at this point is finding a method for getting Matan from his taxi that brings him home at 2 pm, to his aftercare program. The taxi will bring him, but a person needs to take him from the taxi into the pre-school, and the teacher can’t leave the class, nor can the driver leave the taxi with another 2 children still in it. For the first weeks, I will be there to transfer him, but since I do need to be in the office those days, I’ll need to find someone, maybe a student, who can walk him those few steps… We were finally able to register him to a regular, mainstream day care. We worked backwards and first approached a pre-school teacher whom we know, and who agreed to accept him. The company that runs the day care didn’t want to commit unless a specific teacher first agreed to take him. Main reason given: no one to transfer him from taxi to inside day care. #FRUSTRATION

Posted in: Parenting.
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Tel Aviv school system #FAIL

Aug 18th, 2013
by Zendette.
3 comments

School begins next week and I’d like to be able to prepare both children for the beginning of the year, and the changes they can expect. We’ve been told time and again how important it is, especially for our baby home children, to be prepared emotionally for all major changes. A new school year, new class, new teacher and new building all mean major transitions for both children. It’s hard to adequately prepare them when we have yet to receive any notice confirming Karen’s registration for third grade. We don’t know if she’ll be with friends, who her teacher will be, and whether she will be in a class of 30 or closer to 40.

We also wanted to prepare Matan by taking him to see where his new building will be located, but until this week, his teacher gave us one address, and the school system had him registered to another address. Each told us the other was mistaken. Now that we finally have agreement as to the address, the building doesn’t appear it will be have renovations completed by the time school starts, which again brings into question whether the location will change.

But for Matan, the changes aren’t as drastic. He’s staying with the same pre-school teacher and many of the same children. Karen has a harder time handling change and not knowing what to expect. For her, the not knowing is more of a challenge, although she’s holding up well in terms of behavior. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise me if we have to take her to school next week without knowing what classroom to go to, or who her teacher will be.

40 kids to a class, and the Tel Aviv school system doesn’t even have their act together a week before the school year begins.

Posted in: Parenting.
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and the boy’s ACCEPTED!

Jul 28th, 2013
by Zendette.
1 comment

Matan_flowers4MaiAfter a long road of trying to convince the aftercare program in our neighborhood to accept Matan, we finally succeeded!

While aftercare programs must take children registered to their home pre-schools, they usually do not accept a child registered elsewhere, especially if he’s in special education. Last year, when I realized that Matan needed more social contact than the 8 children in his special education class, I contacted the program near us, but they kept putting me off. I got the sense that the fact that he was in special ed worried them. They told me that I would first need to get one of their pre-school teachers to agree to accept him. I did so, but then she was laid off and I was left with no where to turn. Fortunately, the fabulous people at Ponti’s, see earlier post, accepted him, and he’s spent a very productive year in an after care program with regular children where he eats lunch, and then spends the rest of the afternoon in various kindergarten-level activities. We were lucky to get a fantastic teacher who adores him and helped ease him into the class of children a year older than he is.

This year his special ed program is moving to yet another neighborhood with a longer drive, and I really wanted to get him into a local aftercare program so that he would remain friends with kids in the neighborhood, and because it makes it much easier on me since I don’t have to drive through rush hour traffic to pick him up. The preschool near us is a short walk through a quiet park, about a block total. Getting him accepted became my main mission for July.

Two years ago, when Karen was in kindergarten, one of the teachers told me she would love to have Matan in her class. But I had no personal relationship with her, nor did I have her personal number. I made several failed attempts to find her at pre-school, but apparently they had moved temporarily due to renovations and I couldn’t locate her.

Last week, I set out to find her, and this morning I finally managed to catch up with her in person. As soon as she remembered who I was, and both my children, she said she would be thrilled to have Matan. I started telling her how he had already been in regular aftercare, and how well that was going. She didn’t ask any questions, just sat down and signed a form I needed from her to get Matan in. Walking out I felt ready to break out in some sort of Sound of Music tune. This means that in addition to aftercare, he will also have a place to spend his days during the long breaks for Rosh HaShana (3 weeks off school) and Pesach (another 3 weeks). Plus once we get him approved for integration into a regular class twice a week, we’ll have a better chance of getting this same teacher, which would be amazing…and convenient!

Posted in: Adoption, Parenting.
Tagged: ·

Summer fun – massage, hydrotherapy and camp

Jul 11th, 2013
by Zendette.
1 comment

SnakewrapA short plug for the company that runs summer camps for both Karen and Matan. Ponti’s is absolutely the best in terms of staff professionalism and fun for the kids. Even Karen, who wanted all kinds of specialty summer camps that were much more expensive, is very happy with her summer camp. For both children, continuity and being with excellent staff is more important than anything else. Not everyone “gets” Karen, and knowing she’s with staff who know her and understand how to deal with her occasional mood swings is more important to me than anything else. Their style especially suites her since they are flexible in terms of which activities the child can choose from at any given time. For example, instead of being in a single group and always doing the same activity as her group, she can select from several different activities and choose where she will spend her time. The freedom to choose which kids to be with and which activity is important to her.

Karen’s also shown initiative both at camp and on her own. In addition to selling stuff to children on the playground, today she began going to the playground with paint, glue and glitter, and setting up a table for younger children to come and paint. Today she had two children who sat and painted under her direction and both sets of parents paid Karen! She wasn’t even asking for payment, she just wanted to set up an activity for the younger kids. Matan even sat and painted for a few minutes. One small girl spent almost an hour with paint and glitter under Karen’s attention. Her mom fell in love with my daughter :-)

At camp she’s also busy organizing activities of her own. This week she started giving massages to other kids and even to the counselors. The other day she took a small blanket with her in the morning. When I picked her up in the afternoon, she was giving a massage and there was a line of children waiting their turn. They were bummed that I was there to take her away before it was their turn. I promised them she would do it again. I felt a little like her promoter….

Matan’s also having a great time with summer camp. He spends his mornings in special ed summer camp, where he and 7 other boys splash around in a large portable pool, play in mud and sand, eat lots of watermelon and generally have fun. He’s enjoying it immensely. His afternoons continue with the same after school program he’s been in for most of the year. He loves socializing with the “regular” kids, and enjoys the activities that include zoology, where they bring a different animal to visit the group once a week. Today he got to hold a snake and wrapped it around him. Last week I think it was a large toad.

After about 10 sessions of one on one hydrotherapy, Matan is finally swimming! This was already more than we had hoped for. My initial goal was just to get him to a point where he didn’t lock up whenever we went into the big pool. He always wanted to go in, but once he started down the steps, he would lock up unless DH was there to hold him. Last year he didn’t even like spending much time in the baby pool. He was afraid of the water. Matan didn’t even trust me in the water. I think he could feel that I wasn’t as strong as DH. Now he just jumps into the big pool without even warning us. He’s still wearing inflatable arm bands, even in water he can stand in, but he’s begun swimming without them for short periods, so long as DH is within a hand reach. I’ve asked his therapist to stress safety, and he’s finally stopped running near the pool. That’s how he broke his arm last summer.

While the hydro therapist is helping him feel secure in the water, she’s also added counting and color games aimed at improving his cognitive abilities. This is why hydrotherapy is so much better than private swim lessons, the emphasis is on development, both in the water, and then using the enjoyment of playing in water to help overcome other blocks. Overall, very happy with the hydrotherapy. Best part, it’s covered by our health plan!

Posted in: Parenting.
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