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social butterfly, or at least, cracking cacoon

May 19th, 2012
by Zendette.
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What a week. I bounced between hopelessness that K’s improvements were transitory and could suddenly disappear; and bliss to learn that two of K’s classmates wanted to make plans with her this week. These are not girls she’s known for three years of pre school and kindergarten, like almost half the girls in her class. These are “new” girls, whom she only met at the beginning of this school year.

K’s teacher reported that she’s been making a lot of effort to repair friendships with other girls, many of whom she had alienated, if not by directly hitting them, then by scaring them off during her anger spells. We finally had a chance to invite K’s last play date over after school, and things went well. Some tension arose when K felt the other girl was “winning” at a homework assignment they were doing together. I separated them to complete the homework, and then all was well. The girl was quiet and polite, a real joy.

Then we get reports that K made a great impression on both her teacher and parent chaperones during their annual class trip on Thursday. And if that wasn’t enough for one week, this morning another girl’s mother called to tell me her daughter really wanted to invite Karen over. Apparently they are both strong girls, and had had a run in at the beginning of the year. But to see them together today, one would assume they were long time best friends. Such is the social life of the normal first grader. Could this mean we’re finally entering the realm of a normal 7 year old? I don’t need boring normal, just manageable would be nice.

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Some room for Matan

May 17th, 2012
by Zendette.
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He’s doing well too. He’s using more and more verbs, and has even shown off his two latest drawings from pre-school. He had never shown off any of his coloring attempts before, so I think the bulletin board in his bedroom with all his Occupational Therapy works of art have had the desired effect (or is it affect?).

He’s still really into his vast collection of wheeled vehicles, but he’s starting to branch out. He’s social to a fault, and parents are genuinely surprised when I say he’s going into special ed preschool next year. I guess he doesn’t fit the idea people have how a delayed child should look and act. It makes me even more convinced that his delays, while significant, are normal when you consider the point at which he started when we adopted him. During that time he’s gone from acting like a very young baby in many ways, to looking like a rather large 3 year old. Sure, he’s 4, and he’s only now starting to hit some of the three year old developmental milestones, but at least he’s moving forward.

He still has poor coordination and we are having his eyes and hearing retested this summer. But he’s very active, loves to run and jump. However, as I read Moshe Elbaum’s exercises for various problems, I feel fairly certain that once K is finished with him, Matan will start.

I’m confident that we’ll be a lot wiser once we see how he does in September. Now my job is to focus on what to do with the kids for July and August. Hot months with no school, and expensive and limited child care options.

Posted in: Adoption, Parenting.
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Happy Henna Party!

May 16th, 2012
by Zendette.
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Our cousin is getting married in a very traditional manner. The wedding is in two months, but this week the couple celebrated their formal engagement and held a “Henna” party. Henna is traditionally held prior to the wedding, and celebrated primarily by Jews from North Africa and the Middle East. The Henna involves smearing the Henna colored paste onto the hands of the participants. Henna is used throughout the Middle East as a hair dye to give a reddish tone to the hair. It is also used in some countries to paint intricate patterns on the hands and feet of the bride.

Posted in: Parenting.
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and back again

May 8th, 2012
by Zendette.
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Three days in a row, same story, different hour, each day, earlier than the next. The school called us on Sunday after 12, to pick her up after disturbing behavior. The next day, physical violence, and another call, this time around 11 am. Today, the principal called 30 minutes ago, at 10:15.

I’m on my way to pick her up. She’ll be grounded from all activities this week, including the L’ag B’Omer bonfire with her class scheduled for tonight, and a play date for tomorrow afternoon, as well as tennis and Judo.

We are doing everything we can. Like I said to the principal when she called, “tell me what you want me to do”. So we have a meeting scheduled in 10 minutes. Life goes on.

Posted in: Parenting.
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Play date success

May 5th, 2012
by Zendette.
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To put an end to the suspense, the play date went well. The girls even did their homework together before I picked her up later in the afternoon. But in the days since, K’s been acting up at home and she’s had some minor issues at school like writing on her shoes during class, etc.

She’s also almost completely stopped doing the excercises that Moshe Elbaum gave her to do on a daily basis. I’m wondering how much having stopped them is causing the apparent backsliding in her behavior.

I’ll need to reread the chapter in Elbaum’s book, “Intelligence Integration” on overcoming resistance to training. The book is an amazing resource with step by step instructions on how to do all the exercises he’s developed for various learning and development problems faced by both children and adults. I highly recommend his book.

Posted in: Parenting.
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for whom the phone rings

May 2nd, 2012
by Zendette.
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It rang for Karen. As we near the end of the school year, and Karen is going on almost 2 months of good behavior at school, I got a call that almost had me in tears.

For several weeks, Karen’s been asking me to call a girlfriend’s mother to arrange a play date. I had put it off because I knew how many of the mothers considered Karen an inappropriate friend for their daughters due to her behavior. While I hadn’t had a complaint from this particular mother, and Karen promised that she had never done anything to the girl, I was afraid to call. The last time I picked Karen up from school and the girls both asked me if they can meet up one afternoon, I gave the girl my phone number, and suggested that her mom could give me a call so we could arrange something.

I was thrilled to get a phone call at the end of last week from the girl’s mother inviting Karen over this afternoon. She sounded so nice on the phone and didn’t ask any of the nervous questions I’ve come to expect. The daughter also appears to be quiet and thoughtful.

Karen usually behaved well whenever she was invited to friends’ homes in the past, so I’m sure today will go well. But last night when we talked about her expectations for today, she told me she was nervous about going. In kindergarten, she never exhibited any inhibitions about inviting herself over to someone new. She even approached parents and asked them if she could come over one afternoon. The fact that she is nervous fits with her overall concern that she will crack, and the bad behavior will again alight upon her, undoing all the good work she’s done on herself over the past two years.

She is very aware of the changes in her behavior, primarily because she’s working so hard to maintain control at school, even under stress. She’s also gotten a lot of positive feedback, especially from us. She goes out of her way to be friendly and social with the girls in her class. She’s been generous with all her school supplies and her teacher reports that she often helps others. But I think there are moments every day when she fears losing control will send her spiraling downwards to the depths she was in several months ago. Being nervous about her first visit to a new friend in months fits with the fear of a relapse. But I think her willpower and awareness will keep her safe from herself.

Dare I post this before I pick her up and know how it went?

Posted in: Adoption, Parenting.
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Spring is here and all is well

Apr 17th, 2012
by Zendette.
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K has become my best angel. She’s rarely angry and hasn’t had any problems with violence, verbal or physical, in the last month. More than that, her language has changed completely. She speaks politely most of the time and is much more open to talking about her feelings, and asking me about mine. Of course she still gets frustrated, but deals with it in a more logical manner. She tells me that she uses some of the tools she learned from Moshe Elbaum and from her therapist.

With Passover, both kids were on vacation for 10 days. But before and since, I continued to get almost daily reports from both teachers and other mothers that Karen has been polite, helpful and most importantly, not angry or destructive. She’s even changed her manner of dress. Where once she wore only sweats and usually had them stained and torn by the end of the day, she’s now wearing skirts and tights with pretty shirts and staying much cleaner. It’s as if 85% of all the negativity she had been carrying with her forever, has just dissipated, leaving a sweet, but very independent first grader.

As her behavior has improved, we have granted her more privileges and independence. She has always wanted to do things on her own. In fact, some of her first words were, “me, alone”. In other words, she would stop me from helping her dress, bathe, etc., as a 2 year old, and yell at me, “me, alone”, she wanted to do it all alone, with no help.

Now that she’s in school, and sees the older kids arriving on bicycles and scooters, she also wants to ride her bike to school. It’s not far, but there are 2 street’s to cross, and several driveways. We weren’t keen on allowing it, not just because we felt she wasn’t responsible enough to stop and walk the bike at cross walks, but also because we didn’t want the bike at school to cause more behavioral issues.

Now that she has succeeded in conquering her behavioral problems for almost 2 months, with only one week of problems more than a month ago, we decided to let her ride the bike and lock it up at school, then ride it home. Of course we “shadow” her in the car, initially to make sure she was being safe, and now just because it makes her feel better to know we’re near by, even if she is doing it all on her own. And guess what? She’s showing incredible levels of responsibility in safety. I told her the more responsible she behaves the more freedom she will get. But how much more freedom is it safe to give even the most precocious and well behaved 7 year old, no matter how responsible?

Posted in: Adoption, Parenting.
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HaHatul beYadenu

Apr 9th, 2012
by Zendette.
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We borrowed an adorable pure bred cat for a week. I met a lovely woman and her daughter while waiting for Matan’s Occupational Therapy appointment. Her daughter also had some delays, so we got to talking, and it turns out that they bought a gorgeous kitten recently. They had a trip to London scheduled for Passover, but no one to care for “Julie”, while they were away.

Israelis aren’t great cat lovers. The majority of cats in this country roam the city streets, dumpster diving or relying on the kindness of “cat ladies”. Street cats are dirty, so people here think of cats as unclean, and it’s hard to find anyone willing to take in a cat for a short vacation, even a well cared for house cat.

I was thrilled to offer our babysitting services for her cat, so long as Karen met and approved of the cat ahead of time. Matan loves all furry creatures, and Karen is currently in animal therapy. While she does have a strong fear of dogs and cats, she is always looking for opportunities to work at overcoming this fear. I hoped the experience would be therapeutic for both of them, plus a lot of fun without the commitment.

Karen met the cat, and approved, so we were all set to take custody when the family arrived with the cat yesterday. We wished them bon voyage, and the kids enjoyed playing with Julie all evening. The next day, I had to take the kids out for some shopping and cat supplies. We returned an hour later, but Julie was no where to be found. I told the kids not to worry, cats often hide in closets for a long time, especially in a new place. Never the less, I began searching. DH soon arrived home, and became very concerned about the missing cat, and the heavy responsibility we had taken on.

DH was freaking about what to tell the family, and whether we should call them and disturb their holiday. I was concerned, but managed to nap. DH was pissy and made sure I understood that since it was my idea to take the cat, I had to notify the family that their furball was gone. Karen finally had to tell him to chill out, which amused even him.

Karen and DH went to the park so she could ride her bike and roller blade with her girlfriend. When they returned two hours later, Julie was still missing. We began looking downstairs, in the parking lot, and finally I put up a sign in the lobby of our building, in case Julie had managed to get past us when we left earlier in the day.

Karen and I had just left a second time, to put up more lost cat signs, when my phone rang and DH tells me, “HaHatul beYadeinu”. We rushed home and found that Julie had apparently had a long afternoon nap in a location still unknown.

Posted in: Lifestyle, Parenting.
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Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles

Mar 28th, 2012
by Zendette.
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K’s anger seems to have nearly disappeared! She is currently in several new treatment situations, so it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what’s working, but the girl has done an amazing change job on herself.

I have rarely seen her angry at all in the last two weeks, and when she does get upset, she gets over it quickly, once I get her to see things rationally. In the past, she wouldn’t have listened to any attempt on my part.

She’s still super energetic, although she’s spent less, overall time doing sports activities in the last month, but that may be due to all the therapies. She still maintains her practice schedule, and has been responsible about doing her homework. She’s more polite, less abrasive, and uses more tact. While I know she still has a long way to go, the school has also noticed the marked change. The aggression seems to have withered up and is dying. But not quite dead yet, I’m sure.

Posted in: Parenting.
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Matan said “snow”

Mar 16th, 2012
by Zendette.
3 comments

Broke his arm at gan this week, awwww, baby

The good news is that Matan’s speech is improving, but not quickly enough. He was evaluated to determine the best pre-school special education program he will need next year. In addition to speech and emotional development, he also needs help with fine motor skills and general development. While we believe he was in a “better” orphanage, but he was still one of 12 children who lived in a very small room with almost no stimulation except their interactions with each other. Even today when he is in a new space he likes to go around and touch everything in the room.

During the two years that have flown by since we adopted him he’s been in speech and occupational therapy on a regular basis. But apparently this hasn’t been enough. We don’t have a prognosis of how he’s expected to do next year, with the full support of a special education staff, but I’m sure the small group of only 10 children, and rigorous occupational and speech therapies on site will help him vastly improve on his current delays. At least I hope so.

He continues to be a charming and adorable little boy. Everyone loves him, and he’s friendly and generous. But he can play with his trucks and tractors all day, and dislikes being challenged by other activities. We are so lucky that he has Karen. She plays with him, talks to him, and in general acts as a guide. He adores her and I can’t imagine how much more delayed he would have been without a big sister.

Yes, after drafting the above post, I got a call from Matan’s pre-school that he appears to have injured his arm and should see a doctor right away. Turned out to be a double fracture above the wrist. Poor kid didn’t understand why I wouldn’t remove his cast at night so he could go to sleep. He’s getting used to it now.

Posted in: Adoption, Parenting.
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