Visiting Matan
As we continue our visits to the baby home and spend 1-2 hours playing with Matan, we learn more about his likes, dislikes, and overall personality. He’s not a big eater, we see that already. On alternate days, I’ve brought mashed fruit, yoghurt and cookies. One or two bites is usually all he’ll eat before turning his head away.
Matan’s an easygoing little boy, and doesn’t make whining or complaining noises when he’s not happy, he simply turns away. As some of you know, baby home children come with their own set of issues. He rarely makes eye contact and doesn’t know how to suck on a bottle. Staff feed them with large metal spoons.
The book, “Attachment in Adoption” recommends giving children a bottle, even if they are as old as 7 years, since they were never nursed and never held closely and fed while making eye contact. Matan did manage to suck on the bottle, twice, but he still prefers a cup and turns his head away from the bottle. Karen drank out of her identical bottle in front of him to show him how she does it. Slowly, slowly….
The photo below shows him smiling, but just looking off into the distance. He’s still overwhelmed by all the attention and all the fun stuff to do in the special playrooms for foreigners. Inway their own play areas, there isn’t much in the way of toys.
you look beautiful with your beutiful children It was moving to see.
miss ya
love judy
Thanks dear. I feel incredibly fortunate just about now, even if my DH and my DD have given me a hell of a run today.
You guys look great! I love the photo!
Ok, here’s the deal on the bottle and food. First off, don’t assume he’s not an eater. The food may just be the wrong flavors, consistency and especially temperature. Five months later, Alex still can barely chew, so he’ll eat a few bites and then get tired, which is when I give him a huge bowl of baby food mixed with porridge. Also, I would try to feed him in a calm, quiet place, without Karen and Dudi. I still often feed Alex alone so that he is not distracted. It also provides for better attachment since we can be focused on each other.
I would definitely make every effort to get him to take a bottle. Try different fluids, try warming it up, and like food, try to do it in a quiet calm place where he can focus on it. With Alex it took a week to get him to take the bottle and it turned out it was just because only wanted warm liquids, something we only found out by trial and error. (You can warm it in a microwave or by placing the bottle in hot water for a few minutes. Test it on the inside of your wrist first because the one scalding incident will be enough to ensure he never wants a bottle again!
Now, here are all the good reasons for the bottle:
1. Attachment: It’s not just the sucking, it’s sucking while making eye contact with Mom, and cuddling. Alex’s bottle is part of his bedtime, naptime and wake up routines, when we sit in his room, he lies in my arms like a baby, and we rock, cuddle and sing. Other times he gets a cup or sippy cup.
2. Oral Motor: Alex can’t chew because he was taken off the bottle and given mush since 6 months old. And although he now can say about 10 words, his pronounciation is limited to about 3 or 4 consonants. So cracker sounds like dadder. Sucking strengthens the mouth and jaw muscles that are necessary for both chewing and talking.
3. Nutrition. Since it took several months to figure out what foods Alex would eat and wasn’t allergic to, we used baby formula in his bottle. This way we were certain that he was getting nutrition and we didn’t have to stress too much about what foods he ate. It also helped him put on weight pretty quickly…according to our IA doctor, orphanage kids generally find their new growth curve within 9 months of coming home. So we wanted to get him moving up quickly before he tapered off. He’s gained over 2kg since coming home, but he’s still prett thin – because he’s also grown so much taller.
You should be able to get Nestle baby formula in Lugansk. And when you get back to Israel you will probably be able to get toddler formula which is a little more nutritionally appropriate, although I don’t personally think the difference is that big.
Ok, enough advice from your little sis for now. I hope I’m not insulting your intelligence,..I had to figure all this out with Alex, so I figured I’d share.
Love you!!!
Dearest Tam, you’re not insulting my intelligence at all. This is all excellent advice, and I didn’t realize the benefits of the bottle beyond attachment. The benefits to improving speech were unknown to me, but makes perfect sense. Now he only grunts. I think I saw Nestle at a baby store we visited. Is that what you fed Alex when you had him in Moscow? I’m assuming you heated the mineral water so it was the right temperature, is this when you realized he would only eat/drink warmed liquids?
Regarding scalding…yes, been there. I think that may be why Karen had such an aversion to eating at first….yep, the mistakes we make
Again, thanks for the tips. Any additional advice will be very appreciated! Love ya!
I only bought kefir formula (sour milk that the orphanage insisted on) in Tomsk which smelled putrid and Alex wouldn’t touch, but they did sell regular formula too. It wasn’t until we got home that I figured out the warming thing. Once he stopped peeing and drooling. Between no fluids, a fever in Moscow and a 30 hour flight home, he was pretty seriously dehydrated so I was trying all angles. We started him on soy formula at home because we were told he had milk allergies among many others. Turns out he has none. In Moscow and still today I mixed rice cereal or oatmeal (from a box) with warm water or formula to get a nutritional and caloric base. Then I add a jar of baby food meat (smells like what our cats used to eat) and a jar of mashed veggies. Then mix the whole thing up and pop it into the microwave for about 30-60 seconds and stir to get rid of hotspots. It looks vile, but I’m constantly amazed by how much Alex can pack away. Oh, you can also mix the porridge with mashed fruits (apple sauce, peaches, etc) for breakfast. Now that Alex can chew better he’s on more sophisticated baby foods with small chunks.
On the bottle, yes, heat up the bottled water, then add the mixture and shake. It’s usually one scoop per 2 ounces of water, not sure what ounces are in ml, but there will be instructions. And if he won’t take the bottle for whatever reason, you can mix the formula into the rice cereal or oatmeal, which you should also be able to get in Lugansk.
I would make table foods and self feeding a lower priority right now, both because of just getting nutrition and calories into him and because of attachment. Our occupational therapist (who is helping me teach Alex to chew) keeps insisting I let him us a spoon. I keep explaining that yes, with most children you want to teach them independence, but with newly adopted children you want to teach them dependence and attachment. Plus I can get more food into him that he can. You never knew I had so much Jewish mother in me, did you?
BTW, I may have tons more advice once you get him home and figure out what his issues are, but I don’t want to dump it all on you at once, especially since some of it may be irrelevant.
Loved the picture – you are a beautiful family. Showed Yaron your blog and he also got emotional.
He sends his regards.
Happy 2010
Shiry, sorry I missed chatting with you today. DH was talking to his parents and by the time I got the computer, you were gone. We are sometimes logged on Skype with my user, and sometimes with his (zizosdo). You can add him. I’ll erase his in about 24 hours since he doesn’t want to leave it out in public.
You look so beautiful together. Karen looks so confident, and Matan looks adorable. You seem to be so much better prepared for the challenges (ie. the importance of the bottle) than I was. I’m sure it will pay off in terms of a smoother adjustment.
Leora
Oh Leora, if only you knew….book learning only takes you so far. Plus, they do say the second time’s easier. Please forgive me, but I need a reminder. Is your Matan also fom Siberia?
Shiry, thanks for sharing with Yaron. I’m really glad he felt good about it. Maybe it will give you guys some ideas….
Have you been skyping with my mother – lol
No, our Matan is from St. Petersberg; our daughter is from Siberia. Well, you seem to radiate calm and a sense of being in control. So, looks like second time is easier for you (though maybe you were just as composed with Karen.)
Best, best of luck on Wednesday.
Leora
What a beautiful picture, Lita! What a lovely hug Karen is giving Matan and you are just beaming!
Hi Jeannie, thanks for reading! Karen loves to hug, but she has a bear hug that can knock the wind out of me. We are teaching her the benefits of gentleness