Zendette Rotating Header Image

June, 2010:

Begone, Evil Eye

Jun 30th, 2010
by Zendette.
3 comments
gymnastics.finale.SM

Great news, Matan got accepted to our first choice for day care this coming year! In general, both kids are doing well.  I’m almost worried of the Evil Eye if I write about how good things appear to be.  Yes, the Levant with it’s primal superstitions, has a way of getting under your skin, no matter how hard you try to maintain a rational mind.

Matan is growing like crazy and is starting to look like a giant baby.  There is still something very young about him, but his size now appears normal for his age group.  He understands most things said to him.  He points to body parts when I say their name.  He has a repertoire of words, although many of them come out of his mouth sounding the same.   Although he is being followed by the Center for Child Development, he isn’t actually getting any therapy there, just general conversations with me where they recommend certain kinds of play for him.

Today Karen finished up her “academic” year at gan.  Next week she starts a two week gymnastics day camp.  Ends at 1, so it will be a rough 2 weeks for me, but I’ll manage somehow.  She was in gymnastics once a week for the past year, and seems to really like it.  Her instructor thinks Karen has talent and recommended the camp.  Karen does really well with this instructor because she is just the right mix of tough and caring that Karen respects.  I’m only sorry that her instructor won’t be at the day camp.

So we end this year on a positive note.  We have plans for most of the summer, although I’ll still need special energy reserves to get me through the longer days with both of them.  Other moms told me going to the pool helps. I’m afraid of Karen’s independence there.  She’s a good swimmer, but I have to keep my eyes glued to her to make sure she doesn’t take her arm floats off. She can swim, but can’t float or dog paddle when she gets tired.  Keep my eyes on her, while holding Matan most of the time.  He’s still a little intimidated by the pool, even the baby wading pool.

Many pictures, I’ll put them under a separate post.

Search and you shall find

Jun 24th, 2010
by Zendette.
No comments yet
Karen, before

Karen, before

Today, someone arrived here after searching for “delayed physical development in toddlers in orphanages”. This is an issue that most potential parents consider when making the decision to adopt internationally. I hope the person searching comes back and reads this post. Better yet, if anyone wants my direct feedback, send me a question and I’ll do my best to respond.

Nearly all institutionalized children will suffer some level of physical, mental and emotional underdevelopment. Not only do they lack the love and affection given by birth parents, but they also tend to have diets poor in protein. Most countries with orphanages and children available for adoption are also poor, so their is little funding for enrichment. Caretakers may be numerous, but they can only care so much for children they see on a rotating basis.

But the good news is that most children thrive after being adopted by caring parents. I just think about the difference in how much my kids eat when they are nurtured compared to how I saw them eat when in the baby home. When my youngest indicates he doesn’t want anymore, I let him leave the table, but I still run after him with the bowl and spoon to try and finish out the serving I intended for him. That would never happen in the baby homes I saw.

And then there is love. I don’t know if scientists have quantified how love increases development, but I’ve read studies that even plants thrive when spoken to. If kindness affects a plant, how much more will a child thrive with love and affection.

I’ve seen Karen go from being severely underdeveloped in everything except her willpower, to become a healthy strong little girl who is on par with her peers in almost everything. Like many children, she even exceeds in some areas like athletics. On the other hand, she remains emotionally underdeveloped. See the featured post on emotional development here.

Physical development is only one piece in the whole child. Mental development is also often considered, but few people think about emotional development prior to adopting. From my experience, emotional development is the toughest to overcome, but I plan on doing it eventually.

They lied

Jun 13th, 2010
by Zendette.
8 comments
infertility_250x251

Our parents, teachers and the media lied to my generation of women. Perhaps this is simply a blue state issue, but why did so many women of my generation (raised in the 70s-80s) wait ‘too long’ before having children?

Growing up, the message I received was, “Don’t worry, there’s plenty of time for a family when you get older”. We were encouraged to study, clinch a career, maybe even enjoy life a bit on our own, and only ‘later’, think about marriage and children. We had sex education in school, and were told how important it was to use contraception so we didn’t end up pregnant.

Looking at my girlfriends from university, two of my closest friends are unmarried. Both have killer careers. They are now over 40, and have very little chance of conceiving naturally, even if they were in a relationship and wanted a child. In fact, they are now pushing mid 40s when there is less than a 1% chance of conceiving naturally and carrying to term, ie. bringing home a live baby.

Of course I’m not suggesting that women give up studies and career to start a family in their early 20s, but young women should at least be aware that starting a family after 30 carries risks and after 35, it can become very challenging. After 40, forget about it unless you are willing to shell out big bucks and go for the latest technology in baby-making. Most women over 40 are counseled to use eggs donated by a younger woman. This severs a biological tie between mother and child.

Obviously, having adopted our two children, we have no biological ties to them at all. Maybe it’s easier this way as both DH and I have the same lack of a bio connection to the children. We both have built a relationship with our children based on love, rather than blood. In our case, love really does conquer all and I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love Karen and Matan.

That doesn’t change the message that all young women today should be aware that their fertility will not last forever, and age 30 is the time to begin considering family and children. Waiting until “later”, may be too late.

Kuwaiti Journalist: The Flotilla Was Violent; Israel Has a Right to Defend Itself

Jun 8th, 2010
by Zendette.
2 comments
4522Small

Kuwaiti Journalist: The Flotilla Was Violent; Israel Has a Right to Defend Itself.

Memri is a great resource for translations of Arabic media. From their website:
The Middle East Media Research Institute (MEMRI) explores the Middle East through the region’s media. MEMRI bridges the language gap which exists between the West and the Middle East, providing timely translations of Arabic, Persian, Urdu-Pashtu, and Turkish media, as well as original analysis of political, ideological, intellectual, social, cultural, and religious trends in the Middle East.

Founded in February 1998 to inform the debate over U.S. policy in the Middle East, MEMRI is an independent, nonpartisan, nonprofit, 501(c)3 organization.

Adoption – delayed emotional development

Jun 6th, 2010
by Zendette.
5 comments
KarenExplains

Here’s another post about parenting difficulties, especially those faced by parents of children adopted from orphanages. Both my children pose challenges, but Karen has been especially difficult for us at times. She still seems to cycle in and out of moods where she regresses and seems to act like a 2-3 year old.

Most of us know that children from orphanages have many types of delays. We are used to having those issues dealt with by doctors and specialists. Some PT, good nutrition and healthy physical activity and the child improves quickly. Emotional delays are harder to deal with and continue to affect the child long after speech and physical delays have been resolved.

With Karen, behavioral triggers can be any new, especially emotional, development in her life. A hurtful scene at gan, and suddenly we have a few weeks of hitting, intentionally breaking things, destroying clothes, etc. Ok, some are funny, like when she puts her feet on the table while she’s eating just to see if I still have the energy to say, once again, “Karen, please take your feet of the table”; “feet with shoes off the furniture”; “please stop wiping your hands on your clothes while you are eating. There is a reason you have a napkin”. These are the funny ones. Not so funny is when she’s intentionally rough with Matan, or says really hurtful things under her breath. I stopped taking her to the supermarket after she whispered, “You’re stupid”, while standing in line and staring at the checkout clerk.

Lately, I’ve been reading some good books on adoption which my sister sent me when we got home with Matan. I wish I had read some of them earlier, much earlier, like maybe 3.5 years ago when we adopted Karen. One theme I’ve found very relevant is the thesis that adopted childrens’ emotional age will depend on how long they have been with their adoptive family. This is a rough estimate, but means that if Karen was adopted at age 2, and today she is 5, then her emotional age is around 3. That would account for her meltdowns over minor issues, especially those resulting from fights with girlfriends who are usually more emotionally mature.

Right now I’m reading “Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child – from the first hours together through the teen years”. I strongly recommend it to anyone considering an international adoption. Includes good case studies that follow the development of a small group of internationally adopted toddlers.


Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child is a wonderful, thoughtful resource for adoptive parents. As both a therapist and a parent, Patty Cogen offers valuable, practical advice with hands-on suggestions and great tips. This is a book that will grow with you as you navigate your parenting journey. –Carrie Kitze, author of We See the Moon and I Don’t Have Your Eyes

Leftist and rightist Israelis clash at Gaza flotilla protest in Tel Aviv – Haaretz Daily Newspaper | Israel News

Jun 5th, 2010
by Zendette.
No comments yet
Via Ha'aretz by Nir Keidar

Via Ha'aretz by Nir Keidar

This is what I love about living in a democracy, people are free to demonstrate, and boy do they demonstrate here!

Tel Aviv city center is a large square that is a popular place to hold large gatherings.  It is also now named Rabin Square, after Yitzhak Rabin who was assassinated there in 1995.

Leftist and rightist Israelis clash at Gaza flotilla protest in Tel Aviv – Haaretz Daily Newspaper | Israel News.

Flotillas and the Wars of Public Opinion | STRATFOR

Jun 3rd, 2010
by Zendette.
No comments yet

As usual, STRATFOR gets it right.

“It was not the truth or falsehood of the narrative that mattered. What mattered was the ability to identify the victim and victimizer such that global opinion caused both London and governments not directly involved in the issue to adopt political stances advantageous to the Zionists.”

It’s not about, “whose logic is correct. But the issue actually is, whose logic will be heard?”

Flotillas and the Wars of Public Opinion | STRATFOR.

Dershowitz in HuffPo makes sense to me

Jun 2nd, 2010
by Zendette.
No comments yet
dershowitz

Alan Dershowitz writes an excellent article supporting the legality of Israel’s actions. He directly addresses the piracy issue by quoting international law on blockades. Apparently, Israel was within its rights to make efforts to turn back a ship whose stated purpose was to break the blockade. Next issue, the legality of the blockade.

Personally, I doubt that world opinion will change much towards Israel regardless of whether Gaza gets more supplies or not. It is already an established “fact” in the pro-Palestinian mythology that Israel salivates over any opportunity to use force. In reality, Israel usually makes attempts to avoid violence. The Israelis I know also abhor violence, but they do value the relative security enjoyed since Gaza was closed off.

Let’s also not forget that Israel is not alone in the blockade. Egypt also maintains strict controls over the entry and exit of people and goods via their border. I wonder what would have happened if the flotilla had entered Egyptian territorial waters.

I support Dershowitz’s opinion that Israel’s actions, while they may be legal, were still stupid. Not that I expect to be enlightened with operational secrets, but why on earth did this have to happen in international waters?

I do agree with the criticism from friends who have pointed out that Israel transfers huge amounts of humanitarian aid each week. The goods supposedly found on the ships were not any different than aid that is sent through the border crossing with Gaza on a regular basis and in much larger quantities then the ships contained. The ships were full of activists. Apparently not much room remained for the actual aid supplies.

What most worries me is Israel’s position vis a vis other western nations. There is so much hate already towards Israel, this action certainly wasn’t helpful. Then again, as so many have pointed out, they’re gonna hate us anyway. This just gives a more current excuse.

It’s going to be a long hot summer….

High seas and flotillas

Jun 1st, 2010
by Zendette.
2 comments
MVRachelCorrie

Jameel makes very good and accurate points in his comment in the previous article. Via Twitter, he added some more interesting details of the event, such as that pistols were found along with large amounts of cash. However, no amount of talking points can stand in the face of what has been one of the biggest mistakes Israel has made in a past checkered with PR mistakes.

All else aside, why do it in international waters? If it is true that boarding a ship in international waters is an act of piracy, then the activists on the ship were legally acting in self defense. I don’t like to write these words, and this is the main reason I blame the Israeli government. I blame them for making me ashamed.

Why does this remind me of Sabra and Shatilla? Maybe because no explanation will sufficiently explain the terrible error in judgment, and also perhaps because it will be the downfall of Ehud Barak, just as Sabra and Shatilla appeared to put an end to all political life for Ariel Sharon, back in the day. He recovered, but it took about 20 years for the stigma to be white-washable.

There is another ship, ironically named the MV Rachel Corrie, on its way to attempt to break the blockade. I’m confident this time Israel will find a less confrontational method to deal with it.