After getting home late from a birthday party, K parked herself in front of the tv while I got Matan ready for bed. I admit to negligence. Without me noticing, Karen began watching King Arthur. It wasn’t the Disney version. Bedtime brought crying and fears about war. She’s never brought it up before, and tonight she asked me what will happen if King Arthur doesn’t come back to save us. Found myself telling her not to worry, we weren’t waiting for King Arthur, and the Messiah will save Israel. I don’t even know where I was coming up with the bullshit I spewed at her in a vain attempt to calm her fear about “what if war comes to Israel”. What if? As if. And for the record, I hold a generally Buddhist view of life and death, and have absolutely no faith in a Messiah. Buddhists believe in saying it like it is, and not holding back the painful parts. But how much do you tell a child who doesn’t have the training to deal with the reality of suffering? My instinct was to protect her from worrying about war and “what if my friend’s big brother dies in the war?”. The boy is 9, and in scouts. He is years away from army service, but Karen has heard that scouts prepares you for the army, so assumed it meant he was military, in some way. It’s amazing how children build entire stories out of the little bits they hear. As a kid, I remember hearing about guerrillas, the terrorists of the early 70’s, and thinking they were talking about zoo animals. Took me years to figure that one out.
This is a hard topic to discuss with children in Israel where they have all been drilled in civil defense protection and war is a reality.
I know of many children affected by the wars and terror attacks, but during the height of the Second Intifada, we were still childless. Even in 2005, with the Lebanon war when DH’s family came to stay with us for a few days when the Haifa area was shelled, we didn’t have children. While we saw the pain of nephews who experienced the ground shaking missiles hitting nearby, it didn’t seem real to me. Somehow, having my six year old worry that war will come to us (her words) made everything suddenly clear, yet unexplainable. I was tongue-tied. What do you say to a six year old, when she is likely to hear at some point of military events within spitting distance. Considering history and the current dis-ease in the Middle East, there’s a pretty good chance she will eventually also suffer through the panic of hearing the explosions of missiles.
I no longer know what to say to adults about the possibility of war, and the vain hope for peace, so how on earth to explain it to a child in a meaningful way?
Yes, I know that Palestinian families face even harder explanations for their kids, but I don’t have first hand experience. I can only write what we experience. I’ll leave Palestinian bloggers to write their half.
a twice-told tale 
Maybe not the right answer, buy I think I would tell her unequivocally that Mommy and Daddy will protect her. After all, you will try! We don’t have the threat of war, but we certainly have the threat of earthquakes, and that’s what I tell my kids. Yes, of course there’s a chance I might be unsuccessful in totally protecting them (as might you in a war) but in the unlikely event that something awful occurs, the trauma of my unfulfilled promise is the most minor thing we would have to deal with. Meanwhile, the kids feel safe and secure in the knowledge that Mommy and Daddy are strong and can protect against anything. Children also have all sorts of fears that have no basis in reality, but are just as real for kids (eg. monsters, etc) and telling them you will protect them seems to be more effective than trying to convince them that there is nothing to be afraid of.
The Messiah? Big can of worms you’re opening, with no offense intended to anyone who believes differently.
Very tough questions indeed and hard to deal with at night after birthday party, that’s for sure. I certainly have not ever braced the subject with Maya, but I think living in Israel it is sure to come up. It’s funny how you fell back on the Messiah bit. You can take the girl out of the farm, but not the farm out of the girl, or something like that, eh?
I think, particularly considering where you live there are messages about war all around, like you said, everyone goes to the army, there are the scouts and very real things happen over there. I think there is no way to avoid this discussion with your kids. Karen is already asking questions and while our instincts as mothers is to just want to make it all go away with a quick answer and “off you go”. I don’t think it is that simple.
I would start off by asking her what has she heard or what does she think about war, that will give you a good place to address her fears. I would be factual but keep your explanations as simple as possible. Maybe tell her that war happens when two countries or groups of people have an argument and cannot agree. I think you can also tell her that soldiers are there to protect her and keep her safe. I like the idea your Tamar raises of telling her that you and DH will protect her but I would be careful not to use that as your “answer” and avoid the discussion. I think you need to find out what she is thinking about it, what scares her and try to answer her questions honestly. Let her lead the conversation and look for signs that you have answered her questions and stop.
There are a lot of websites around on the topic, I know in the US there are sites that offer advice on how to explain war to a child, when a parent is in Iraq or Afghanistan and although the information might not be totally relevant, you might find some good tips.
I wish I could organize a real life meet-up of the wonderful mothers who have given me so much great advice since I started blogging, more than a year ago.
Dana lives in Amsterdam, so that is where we will hold our fantasy mommy-meet.
Ok, the messianic stuff was a result of the King Arthur saga, that has strong messianic overtones. The legend has it that King Arthur’s body was sent across the lake on a burning byre. That is what Karen saw. She thought it was a mean thing to do, so I explained it was to show him reverence and to keep to the myth that King Arthur will return to save the Britons in their hour of extreme need. The myth was very popular during the WWII Blitz. The King Arthur legend has many connections to messianic legends which I won’t bore you by going into here.
Basically, after I told her that Arthur would come back to save England, in the story, she said she was afraid he wouldn’t come back to save us if there is a war. So it just flowed that our myth has a Messiah who will save us too. ‘Course we all know it’s hogwash because no one showed up when six million died, but it is the generally accepted view by Judaism…at least, I think it is. I don’t think I’ve ever had a real conversation around that issue.
Tam, you are right, I do tell her I will always be her mommy and that I’ll always be here to protect her. But she has lost trust since she decided that there is no tooth fairy, and that we bought her the prezzie. She’s so bold that she is already planning what she wants us to buy for her second tooth, which is wiggling away.
Yep, childhood faith all comes down to the tooth fairy. Truly.
Dana, as usual, you see the loophole I would most naturally of taken. Yes, I should ask her more about her fears. It’s just in the past, when I’ve tried going anywhere that scares her, she avoids the conversation. Here I had a fantastic opportunity, but failed to use it because I wasn’t prepared.
Parenting motto: be prepared.
I was picking apples on a kibbutz in the north, when a katusha hit Kiryat Shmona and my peg ladder shook under my feet and I fell to the ground. Laying on the ground, face down, shaking, listening as the hardened Sabras laughed around me. To them? Fact of life. The same as learning to live with a subway travelling by your apartment every 4 minutes in Chicago. For me? Earth shattering, myth shattering. When it’s in your face every day, it’s hard not to discuss the realities of it. I was saddened by the young 17 and 18 years old I met who would go out to party. They would say to me, why shouldn’t I? I could be dead in 6 months. Their absolute fatalism shook me to my core. It’s a feeling that’s never left me.
Much like i’ve had to explain lately that Zayde is not our blood Zayde, and real bio grandfather exists but you’ll never meet him, sometimes these talks have to be had. I’m for the gentle ongoing conversation. Not one big bomb drop, but an ongoing conversation where things slowly begin to make sense, in small parts that can be digested.
I was totally Monday morning quarterbacking with my comments back there. Ugh, you cannot be prepared for everything. I think we all do the best we can. Believe me if Maya would have put me on the spot about any number of topics I would have told her not to worry and to go play or some answer straight out of 1954. I do try when Maya asks me about a heavier topic (which is not very often I’ll admit) try to at least find out what she thinks first and then try to gear the conversation based on that. As much as we want to be more open and honest with our kids then our parents’ generation (or at least mine) there is also something about giving your kids too much information. Karen is a girl with a lot of fears and insecurities already, maybe how you handled it was exactly right for her, if you would have made it more real, it might have indeed stressed her out. You are doing great Lita!
Definitely can’t be prepared for anything. My comment about talking about Mommy and Daddy protecting… definitely agree you need to understand what is really scaring them, and address it in simple terms they can understand. And as we all know, every kid is different in how they deal with things and what responses work best. Lita, you know how incredibly different Mia and Karen are, both in terms of personality and life experience. BUT, at just 6 years old, Tooth Fairy or no (Mia suspects me, but is reveling in the Tooth Fairy myth nonetheless), parents are really everything to our kids, and they crave the security they get from us. That is the foundation that grounds them in their identity, confidence, and outlook on the world – as you know from learning so much about attachment. Don’t give that up to the Messiah, it’s yours, claim it and own it. I’m not saying don’t tell her that there is the possibility of war. It’s all around her and she will ask (in Oakland Mia asks about “bad guys” and hell, some of them really only live a few blocks away – a kid in her pre-school was shot by a stray bullet), but it’s precisely because the outside world is scary that they rely so much on the notion of their parents protecting them. Ok, I have to get to bed because tonight could be a repeat of last night’s vomiting, crouping, peeing-in-her-bed ear infection… which by the way, Mommy will make go away 🙂