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August, 2011:

Finally, K’s missing adoption photos, for real this time

Aug 29th, 2011
by Zendette.
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First I teased. But now I am posting the photos of our first few weeks in Ukraine in January/February of 2007, when we first adopted the big K. The second set of photos was posted last year, here. I only just found this set of negatives during our move. We didn’t have a digital camera with us, so the photos were 35mm.

We spent the first three days in Kiev waiting for an appropriate referral. After spending two full, grueling days sitting side by side trying to look like Time’s parents of the year, we were exhausted, depressed, and DH was completely unable to keep anything down. After the inconvenience, we were lucky to have a great facilitator who drove us all the way from Kiev to Kremenchuk, where K’s baby home was located. It’s about a 4-5 hour drive.

The photos show her evolution from a closed and distrusting little girl with a hard face, to a more open and happy look once she began getting used to us. She’s even more open in the second roll of film, which I posted here.

Edited to add: photo of a caretaker holding Karen. What makes it interesting is to notice that there are toys, a television and a transistor radio in the background. Although broken, the toys are mainly for show. Likely the TV as well. Most likely the radio was used to provide music. We noticed that both Karen and Matan really enjoyed music. In fact, it’s one of the first things that could hold their attention when they each first came home. We think they were both exposed to music, and it was probably one of the main sources of sensory stimulation.

Infestation

Aug 26th, 2011
by Zendette.
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Matan has headlice, ucckkkkKKKK! It’s very common in Israel during the summer months. Karen had a few early bouts, but she’s been lucky in the last few years. Matan, on the other hand, rubs his face and head on almost any animal with fur. He also has a fetish for girls with long hair, and likes putting his face and head inside a veil of girl-hair.

Matan has always had longish hair, but yesterday I took both kids for a haircut before school starts next week. We finally cut off Matan’s long blond tresses. He ended up with a very masculine, long-on-top, cropped-on-bottom cut. The back of his head was so short that he could have been a young Marine, ok, not exactly but he does have a sort of square head once you shave off the hair in the back, bottom of his head. See photo

So we cut his hair and headed for the pool, next door. I start petting his very short, almost shaved, lower head and spotted a few specks of dirt….I tried pulling one out, and it didn’t give easily. By then I was sure, and suddenly broke out in itching. Must have been empathy. I was surprised because once I got home and was able to assess the severity of his problem, I couldn’t understand why I hadn’t seen him scratch his head once this week. If Karen had been in his situation she would have been scratching and whining. He whined, but he does that regardless of itch or discomfort.

I poured half a bottle of a dimethicone solution into his hair, combed out all the nasties and put him to bed with a greasy head. The stuff was amazing. It made his hair so slippery that I was able to easily comb everything out, nits and all. Dimethicone is the same stuff they put in silicone drops for frizzy hair. It covers the hair shaft, and when you pour on a large amount, it smothers anything that may be living while making it easy to slide them off the hair shaft with a fine tooth comb.

Sorry for the subject matter, but I’ve heard parents face this unexpectedly and have no idea what to do. It seems like this dimethicone treatment is ideal since it doesn’t have any of the harsh chemicals aimed at killing the buggers.

We have space!

Aug 22nd, 2011
by Zendette.
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Our new apartment has many selling points, but the number one reason we moved was for more space. We went from 90 sq.meters to 140. Suddenly the children seem a lot calmer and happier. True, they each have their own room now, although that doesn’t seem to be the big issue since Matan can usually be found wherever Karen happens to be. I think simply having more space adds to our sense of calm and well being. I think there was a study years ago that found that when you put too many rodents in a small space, they begin to act aggressively. It goes a long way to explaining Gaza, some say the most densely populated place in the world. Still, the Japanese seem to live, work and commute in very close quarters, yet it doesn’t seem to increase their outward aggression. Perhaps they’ve found a way to convert the aggression into a more useful energy force, like hard work.

We’re not Japanese, nor Gazan, nor are we rats, but our apartment experiment seems to indicate that the more space children, and probably adults have, the less aggressively they tend to behave.

Ukraine Photos 2007, finally!

Aug 12th, 2011
by Zendette.
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I fully intend to post photos of our new home, but meanwhile, our move turned up a roll of film I’ve been hunting for over two years. When we adopted Karen, we didn’t have a digital camera, so I brought my 35mm Olympus. I took two rolls of film. The first I developed in Ukraine, and the second I developed once we were back in Israel. Last year I posted the photos from the second roll. I looked everywhere, but couldn’t find the negatives from the first roll we developed in Kremenchuk, Ukraine while we were still enduring the extensive legal process of getting Karen released.

Well, here it is, the roll of film. Now I just need to get it to the photo store and have them transfer the photos to digital format on a disc. Then, I promise to post them, along with more adventures from Karen’s adoption.

Effects of aggression live on long after the anger is gone

Aug 10th, 2011
by Zendette.
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School starts in a few weeks, and today I had an emotional tumble when my maternal empathy for Karen went into overdrive. She apparently told her teacher that she was going to be in a first grade class without any of her girlfriends. The teacher asked me whether this was true, and I suddenly lost my balance and thought that somehow the teacher and/or Karen had heard rumors of the class make up in first grade, and that indeed, all of Karen’s girlfriends were in other classes. There will be four first grade classes this year, and the school promises to keep children with at least one of their friends. When I heard she had none of her friends, I automatically assumed it’s because their parents had specifically requested that Karen not be with their daughters.

Turns out Karen made it up, which probably means she really does want to start anew in first grade, but even that knowledge couldn’t bring me out of my funk about her problematic social life.

I had an overwhelming wave of sadness for her, and a sense of complete inability to protect her from the pain of being shunned by all the girls in her class. That was a bit extreme, since only this week she invited one girlfriend over and they had a very nice time playing in Karen’s new room of her own. But still, this girl is much younger than Karen, and not someone who will be starting first grade with her. But her girlfriends who are more age appropriate aren’t available to visit with, and even seem to be avoiding her. I’ve stopped calling her best friend’s mother after she’s turned Karen down several times, sometimes at the last minute. The girls haven’t seen each other in more than 2 weeks, an unheard of span of time. They used to play together after kindergarten a couple of times a week.

It seems unfair. Karen’s behavior has improved so dramatically. She’s often quiet and thoughtful and needs quiet time for herself. Not long ago, maybe two years, she was unable to sit still for a minute and was always loud and active. She was physically aggressive when anyone hurt her feelings. She’s now lost all her friends and can’t seem to get them back. Her kindergarten teacher told me that Karen had changed so much that it would take other parents a while to get used to the new model.

I will try and focus on talking to her about starting out new, and how to respond to anyone who hurts her feelings. I’ve been talking and talking. She’s probably sick of listening to me at this point.

Kids behaving……just behaving, wow

Aug 4th, 2011
by Zendette.
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The kids are on summer vacation, we completed our move, but all I post is boring political opinions that could have been written by any of many.

To the kids! K has been showing much more maturity and her behavior has significantly improved. She seems happier and even though she has run ins with other children, she seems to be controlling her outbursts really well. I’m having more fun spending time talking to her, she’s got a great mind and some really smart things come out of her. I love trying to figure out how her mind works. Either it’s complex, or I’m just simple. She has always seemed like an old soul and with her new found maturity, the ideas she comes up with can be fascinating. Of course, she remains one of the best bargainers and always seems to find a way to get the best deal she can in any given situation. Example is her summer program. She was nervous about starting the second session because a girl she has always has many problems with was going to participate. One of her teachers quietly came to me and suggested maybe K could spend time with the group next door where she also knows the teachers and many of the children. Now K has the best of both worlds. She picks and chooses which group she will spend time with depending on the program being offered. Pretty cool for a girl only just about to start first grade.

Meanwhile, M continues to expand socially. He’s popular both with the children and his caretakers at preschool. He managed the move in much better shape than I had expected. Everyone had warned me how difficult a move can be for a toddler adoptee. Granted, change is hard for everyone, especially children who may not understand why home is no longer home. I did my best to prepare both children. With K it was easier because I could explain the situation to her. With M, I brought him to see the place and explained to him that all four of us would soon live together here instead of where we were. I wanted to leave a personal item of mine so he could see we were coming back, but he didn’t like that idea, so we just visited and left. He got a transistor radio from our landlady, so he left happy.

Since we moved in both children have been behaving pretty well, and haven’t had sleep issues. M has even started going to sleep in his own room voluntarily. He’s never slept alone before. At the babyhome he slept with a roomfull of kiddies. He likes to spend time in K’s room as a lead up to bedtime, but he falls asleep, albeit late, in his own bed. We let him wander since we’ve found that regardless of what we do, he will go to bed when he’s ready, usually 9-9:30 pm. But he has to keep his voice down and leave K alone so she can sleep. She now asks us to remove him from her room when she’s ready to sleep at around 8 pm.

Luckily DH was prepared and took enough time off work. Also, we only moved a few blocks, but still had to pack, transport and unpack, then arrange. We’ve managed to complete 90% of the job. Now it will take use months to finish up the last 10.

Oh, yeah, we really LOVE the new apartment. So much SPACE!

Moshe Arens says it much better than me

Aug 3rd, 2011
by Zendette.
6 comments

although his focus also seems to be slightly different, thank goodness!
Rothschild Boulevard is not Tahrir Square – Haaretz Daily Newspaper | Israel News.