School starts in a few weeks, and today I had an emotional tumble when my maternal empathy for Karen went into overdrive. She apparently told her teacher that she was going to be in a first grade class without any of her girlfriends. The teacher asked me whether this was true, and I suddenly lost my balance and thought that somehow the teacher and/or Karen had heard rumors of the class make up in first grade, and that indeed, all of Karen’s girlfriends were in other classes. There will be four first grade classes this year, and the school promises to keep children with at least one of their friends. When I heard she had none of her friends, I automatically assumed it’s because their parents had specifically requested that Karen not be with their daughters.
Turns out Karen made it up, which probably means she really does want to start anew in first grade, but even that knowledge couldn’t bring me out of my funk about her problematic social life.
I had an overwhelming wave of sadness for her, and a sense of complete inability to protect her from the pain of being shunned by all the girls in her class. That was a bit extreme, since only this week she invited one girlfriend over and they had a very nice time playing in Karen’s new room of her own. But still, this girl is much younger than Karen, and not someone who will be starting first grade with her. But her girlfriends who are more age appropriate aren’t available to visit with, and even seem to be avoiding her. I’ve stopped calling her best friend’s mother after she’s turned Karen down several times, sometimes at the last minute. The girls haven’t seen each other in more than 2 weeks, an unheard of span of time. They used to play together after kindergarten a couple of times a week.
It seems unfair. Karen’s behavior has improved so dramatically. She’s often quiet and thoughtful and needs quiet time for herself. Not long ago, maybe two years, she was unable to sit still for a minute and was always loud and active. She was physically aggressive when anyone hurt her feelings. She’s now lost all her friends and can’t seem to get them back. Her kindergarten teacher told me that Karen had changed so much that it would take other parents a while to get used to the new model.
I will try and focus on talking to her about starting out new, and how to respond to anyone who hurts her feelings. I’ve been talking and talking. She’s probably sick of listening to me at this point.
There’s nothing worse than seeing (or even feeling) that our child is not wanted by others. I go through this with Maya too and I feel totally helpless to help her. Maya doesn’t have a lot of friends and even at school many of the kids she plays with a lot aren’t really friendship material either because their own special set of circumstances makes socializing outside of school tough. I had thought for a while that one little girl in her class might be play date material but then during a school event I met the little girl’s mother who was nice enough, but also dressed head to toe in a burqa so that totally isn’t going to work. I want Maya to have friends and she wants it too, but it is difficult for her, she is not aggressive at all but just finds it hard to make that connection. The other day I almost started crying when Maya and the little girl next door were having a little argument (nothing big, kid stuff) but then the little girl said to Maya “look Maya I have lots of other friends, so if you don’t do it my way, I don’t want to be your friend anymore.” On the one hand I was angry that this little girl was holding her friendship over Maya’s head like that but then I realized of course that this is just typical kid stuff but still it is hard for me to see my daughter being rejected and I know how hard that is for you with Karen, their situations are not the same but both do struggle socially. I want Maya to have more friends but I think what is really important for kids is the quality of the friends and not the quantity. still the thought of her upcoming birthday and a party always give me the blues because she cannot have a sleepover party and the kids she can socialize with are almost non-existent.
OK, didn’t mean to go off on my own situation, this is about you and Karen.
I think the best thing you can do is look at next year as a fresh start and not focus on whatever bridges may be burned now by trying to arrange playdates for kids/parents who may not be ready to give Karen another try now. Look, Karen has matured, her behavior is better and less aggressive which means she may be readier to be a friend to other kids than she has been in the past. A new class at school offers Karen a lot of opportunities to build friendships and you have a much greater shot at success because Karen has grown and become more mature. I think it’s great that you try to talk to Karen about these things but there is such a thing as talking too much about something. Just encourage her and perhaps the time now without play dates is the catalyst to this ‘more reflective Karen’. And before she starts school maybe you can just talk to her about making friends in order to prepare her for building more successful friendships.
Dear Dana, I was so thinking of Maya when I wrote this. Thanks for sharing your own pain when you feel Maya is rejected by other children. It think it was one of your recent posts that inspired me to write about “the dark side”. I knew you would understand. It reminds me how several years ago my friend Ina’s dd was diagnosed with Spectrum disorder. Turns out today that it was a premature diagnosis, but I won’t forget how upset she was that none of the other mothers at preschool wanted to make play dates with her daughter. It feels the same way.
But I know our situation is in most ways better, so I shouldn’t complain. Karen understands the results of her behavior, she knows how to ingratiate herself when she wants to, but she also has very poor impulse control, and a wild streak that leads her to do things she knows are dangerous or just not allowed by me or other adults. Then again, that’s one of the things that I love about her, even if it does make me crazy worried at times, and probably will even more so as she grows up.
We got a call from the gymnastics league asking if she wanted to sign up for the new group starting in September. Since it involves practice 3 times a week, I told them we’d wait until after Karen gets started in first grade. Karen is excited about being invited to join, since you have to be a good athlete to even get invited. For me, this is a back up plan. If we find that Karen continues to have a hard time socially I may allow her to join if only because it increases her self esteem and gives her a social outlet that is more sports than social, but makes up for lack of play dates.
She’s definitely a more reflective Karen. I have only myself to blame if I don’t make next week with her really count.
Yeah, the focus is on a new start. Next week I’m putting Matan in a short, 5 day playgroup so I can spend time during that week with Karen. I’m taking her to a play, probably do a movie or two, and try to spend time talking and sharing. I have already told her that I understand how hard it is to start all over, because I had to do it almost every two years of my elementary school.
I think it is great that you are spending extra time with Karen and that you both are looking forward to a new start. I also think it is a good idea to let Karen adjust to the new situation at school before you commit her to extra curricular activities,too much new. That being said though I think based on the number of times Karen has been invited to join a gymnastics situation, that she must have a lot of natural ability and I do think it is something worth exploring. I agree with you, a social setting built around an activity might make it easier for her to socialize and to also develop her talent.
I think in terms of whether you should as you say complain or not – it’s all relative. Yes, perhaps compared to other kids Karen’s problems seem small but compared to another kid Maya’s problems also seem small. They are huge because they are ours so don’t feel bad about talking about them.
Let us know how it goes with the new class.
Thank you Dana. It amazes me that it took parenthood and hundreds of miles of distance before we became friends. I’m certainly glad I took that job, if only because I now have you as an IRL buddy who has become an online friend.
Do you run stats on your site? Do you see other Spectrum parents searching out info on your site? I would think that it is rewarding to know that what you are sharing is out there, helping others who may be lacking a wise voice in their own real lives. That’s kind of how I sometimes look at my blog, although I admit the narcissism and opportunity to post photos of the kids is probably what keeps me going. Altruism only takes me so far, but I do feel good when I see someone has read through multiple pages of the trials and tribulations of international adoption and perhaps is somewhat encouraged about their situation.
Did you see the article I tried to post to FB about how Spectrum kids tend to have Spectrum siblings. Did you know about that when M was first diagnosed?
I think we may be facing some more serious delays with M. He’s adorable and social and gets along well with almost everyone, but he doesn’t seem to be growing up. He’s started speaking, but still, his cognition seems a bit compromised. It’s hard to tell since he’s still not speaking well, and the therapists all tell me how great he’s doing, but they admit that with all his work-arounds to get himself understood, he’s still delayed. Of course, K was delayed as well, she just seemed to catch up, at least in terms of cognition, very quickly. Karen never let herself be a baby, and maybe that’s why I suddenly feel I’ve got a 10 year old at home. Matan, on the other hand, seems to revel in being a baby. So much so that Karen has begun to demand similar “pinukim”. I give them to her as much as I can. After all, it’s not her fault that she was too afraid to let me mother her when she was younger. Now that she’s more open, I want to take advantage of it.
Hmmm, dialogue with you seems much more interesting than just posting my own thoughts. I wonder where that will go in social media. Probably already there in Google+, I’m just not sufficiently motivated to try it out, what with Twitter, Facebook and this blog. Seems enough social media for one person to handle.
I am on Google Plus and do think it is the better tool, a kind of combo of the best of twitter and the best of FB but the problem is that they are not getting the subscribers. I am on Twitter but use it totally as a way to get traffic to the blog and while it is useful for that, I have not been able to find the fun of Twitter. I am a total narcissist when it comes to my social media, I am a total comments whore.
I don’t really collect stats on my blog, only count the number of hits I get, I am not interested in much more. I use my blog as a way for me to write but also as a way to process everything with Maya and gain perspective. I want people to read it and comment but I am not that interested beyond that. Blogging for me was a way to start writing as I have always loved writing and wanted to see if maybe I could make writing second nature enough to develop it into enough of a craft where I might be able to write a book. I do enjoy the writing but don’t think I am developed enough for that.
About the article on Autistic siblings, about 17 people sent me that article about that study. It’s interesting but not so groundbreaking as I have always believed that there is a genetic factor in autism so it would stand to reason that if you have one kid on the spectrum your chances of producing another are greater. I know many many parents who have more than one kid on the spectrum, it happens more often than you think. This did not at all factor into our decision to have another child. When we made that decision we didn’t realize that Maya was autistic. We did try to have another baby but it just didn’t take and 41 was my cut off age. It’s hard to put into words but it just didn’t feel like the right choice for us. Although Maya’s autism didn’t weigh at all into the decision in retrospect I am glad to not have to worry about parenting and giving enough attention to antoher child as Maya is quite demanding although I do worry that perhaps we have set her up to be alone in the world, particularly if she can’t live independently when she gets older. But as I have said many times, I don’t think that far into the future. We’ll see.
About Matan, he is still really really young, he could still fall within the typical range of development. Many adopted children have delays and then something just clicks. Has he had a workup? It might be worth doing it to be sure. Matan is still so young and if he is on the spectrum or something else is going on, early intervention can really play a very important role. If I can help you let me know.
I had fully intended on making a blog post tonight but my eyes are feeling heavy as I type this. I am glad we are friends too!