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Parenting

Mean girls

May 13th, 2013
by Zendette.
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Self portraitWe’re her parents, and we would have hoped that if something was really bothering our child, she’d tell us. But in some cases, maybe she’s embarrassed or ashamed. Imagine finding out your child has been teased and talked about by her “friends” for more than a year, and you only find out by accident.

Karen has always known she was adopted. It’s no secret, in fact, it’s something I’ve always been proud of. I always think of how far she’s come since those early days when she went into shock over her new environment, and stopped eating, lay down on the floor and wouldn’t get up. That passed after several days.

Sure, we’ve had our share of setbacks, but her overall ability to cope has only improved over time. Today she appears to be a fairly well adjusted girl with friends and lots of activities. She recently began tennis with several other girls from her class. One girl, in particular, invited her to join them, and loving sports and the opportunity to socialize, she immediately took her up on it. The class isn’t very challenging, since Karen’s already spent a lot of time practicing tennis in more advanced groups, but the social aspect seemed a bonus, and the coach is an absolute diamond.

Imagine my surprise when I received a very concerned phone call from the coach. Apparently during an argument with a friend of hers, she became very upset and there was a brief shouting match between the two. The coach wasn’t concerned about Karen’s behavior, in fact, she said that Karen was clearly doing her utmost to control herself. But she was shocked at the reaction of some of the other girls. At the first sign of irritation from Karen, they ran to the coach and loudly “explained” to her that Karen “always acts that way because she’s adopted”.

The coach went on to tell me that the way in which it was framed, she got the impression that Karen hears this a lot, and suggested I speak to her to find out the extent of the bullying.

I took Karen out to lunch at McDonalds (her favorite) and asked her about it. Turns out, it’s been going on since last year, but appears to have gotten worse lately. Perhaps because Karen doesn’t hit anymore, so girls aren’t as afraid of her. In any case, after tears from her, and my realization that she never told us because she was ashamed, I decided to discuss with DH. He was horrified, and when he later questioned her and discovered which of the “good” girls regularly insult her by telling she’s adopted and whispering about adoption when she’s nearby in an attempt to hurt her feelings, he was ready call each parent and ask them to speak with their daughters. I dissuaded him because it sounds like the ringleaders are the same girls who’s parents made the loudest complaints to have Karen thrown out of the class last year when she was having such a hard time.

After talking to her teacher at school, who was apparently aware of the issue, but not of the severity, we decided to let the teacher try to deal with it first.

Karen has always been very open about being adopted. In fact, in kindergarten, when we spent 45 days in the middle of the school year together with her in Ukraine to adopt Matan, she returned to a hero’s welcome, and had the opportunity, with the support of a very caring teacher, to tell her class about adoption and what it meant to her. While she has mixed feelings about not being our bio child, she’s never been ashamed or felt bad when people use the term “adoption”. These girls have turned it into a dirty word to her. I hope her teacher is able to make a difference, but I’m not optimistic. DH wanted to write an open letter all the parents in the class, but I talked him out of it. Still unsure the best course of action, if any, apart from our unconditional love and support for Karen.

Sales junkie at age eight?

Apr 28th, 2013
by Zendette.
2 comments

Karen has a new hobby. She sells things. While she’s been kicking around the idea of selling lemonade since last summer, she began in earnest when she heard that a friend of hers had laid out some old toys in the garden of her building, and sold some of them. Since then, she spends most of her free time making up signs, price tags, and sifting through old clothes, books and games to see what she can sell. Today was a Hamseen, a hot desert wind that dries the air and sucks the breath out of you if you spend too much time outdoors. So she set up to sell homemade Slurpees. Crushed ice with some fruit flavored syrup dribbled on top. Considering the heat, they were almost melted by the time she got down to her perch and began setting up, but she still managed to sell one of the four she brought with her.

We’re letting her do it because she feels such a strong compulsion to get out there and sell stuff. She’s also made up signs offering to wash people’s cars. We give her allowance, and buy her everything she needs and most of what she wants, but she still wants to earn money. I’m wondering if it’s normal for a child her age, 8, to be so focused on making money. I think it’s just a symptom of her ever-present deep desire to be independent, and not to have to ask us for anything.

On the one hand, if she enjoys it, the whole planning and execution, not just the money, then I want to encourage her to do it since she is learning so much in the process. She gives change, sets prices, and chooses locations where she thinks she will find people willing to buy. Today she went out and bought a box of Popsicles (ice on a stick, “artik”), put them in a small icebox and carried it to the playground. She sold 4 in about 20 minutes, making up her investment. At which point, she headed home. She’d been at it for about two hours, in horrible heat.

She’s not in any danger, since we can see her from our apartment most of the time, and she’s really into it. Do we let her continue until she gets bored with it, or will that only encourage her further? At first, DH and I were a little embarrassed that people we know would see her selling stuff on the sidewalk like a tramp, but she is so focused, we feel it would be unfair to deny her. She’s done some selling with other girls, but lately, seems perfectly happy to go it alone if no one is interested.

Parents reading this, what would you do? Allow it? Encourage it? Say “No”?

Both kids doing fine, this week

Apr 9th, 2013
by Zendette.
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A weekend to think about things seems to have helped K better understand how her actions influence what she gets to do in terms of longer term planning on her part. This week kicked off well, with lots of friends and independence. I’m not sure which of the two is more important to her. She rode her bike to and from school, and later walked alone the few blocks to her gymnastics class. After that she walked another few blocks to a friend’s house where she made plans to meet un p with a bunch of girls. From all reports, a good time was had by all, thank you G-d.

Good news about Matan as well. He seems to be progressing well in his special ed class, and fits in nicely in his regular after care program. I had a long talk with his after care teacher, and she reports that he’s social and plays with a wide range of different children. She says he doesn’t actively participate in discussions, probably because he’s intimidated to speak in a group where all the children are both older and have much stronger speech skills. But she says he sits quietly and listens and participates innon-verbal activities. She says that anyone entering the class wouldn’t notice anything “different” about Matan.

I also met with Matan’s art t therapist at pre-school, and she reports progress in terms of his ability to relate increasingly complex ideas. His fine motor skills still suck, though. Overall, she was very positive although she was unable to say whether his problem is mostly emotional, or mostly cognitive. In other words, does he intentionally fail to make an effort because he wants to remain an infant, or is he unable to make the effort and follow through because he just doesn’t understand.  He does seem to read social cues of other children extremely well, so that indicates to me a good cognitive ability that he isn’t maximizing either because he wants to still be a baby to make  up for his lost babyhood; or because it doesn’t seem to be worth the effort; or because of an inability to focus due to ADHD.

We’re meeting his developmental doctor next week to discuss the medication option. While I’m against it in theory, he isn’t learning nearly enough to start first grade in time. His hyperactivity may also be linked to the fact that he’s broken bones 3 times in about 12 months.  We’re also following up with bone scan and other tests to determine if there is an organic problem with his bones, but each break was accompanied by hyperactivity and a complete disregard for his own safety. The orthopedists who saw him after his breaks said it could be normal for an over active 4 year old, but his pediatrician sent us to a bone specialist anyway,  just to be on the safe side.

and the band played on

Apr 4th, 2013
by Zendette.
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Some days it feels like nothing’s changed. I’ve removed K from her afterschool program after she continued to have behavioral problems. Instead of getting better, her behavior seemed to get worse when we tried several changes to accomodate her there. I think she felt that the changes were rejections, and so things got worse. Luckily, I can have her in an alternate program by next week, but it brings back home the issue of her inability to control her impulses.

Just as I’m digesting the changes I’ll have to make as a result of the childcare issues, I receive notice from her teacher that she hit two of her friends at school. She claims it was “friendly”, but the girls are afraid of her, so clearly, it’s not.

True, she no longer exhibits the level of violence of last year, but she still pushes, and hits on occasion. She usually explains it as a misunderstanding. She didn’t mean to hit, she meant just to “lightly touch”. We’ve told her over and over again that she’s lost the benefit of the doubt, and there should be NO touching anyone else, for any reason. Then again, I see all the kids pushing and shoving, and feel sorry for K, because she feels she’s only doing what other kids do. She fails to realize two things:

1. She’s much stronger than the average child, and what may feel like a light push to her, is actually a forceful shove to someone else, and

2. She has an angry streak that scares people. When she gets really angry, even if she doesn’t raise her hands, she is capable of saying some really awful things to other people, both children and adults.  In any case, she’s mastered the art of scaring people. It’s almost funny how no one at home is afraid of her. Even Matan loves playing with her, and shows no fear, even when they fight.

She has such a keen understanding of these issues, and keeps telling me that she is controlling her behavior, it’s just that she’s misunderstood. I so want to believe her, but I know that she simply loses control and has no valid explanation. She insists she has control, even when I show her that she clearly does not. I do think she understands, but that she’s afraid of her own lack of self control. If anything, Karen is a control freak, and hates not to be able to accomplish what she’s set out to do. Often she has to reject something in order to let go of going for perfection.

The horseback riding didn’t work out. The fall sort of put an end to it. She’s afraid to go back. Now I’m considering emotional therapy with the help of small animals. I’m also considering a new therapist, one with whom we’ve spoken before. I liked her and I think it will be a more positive environment than we had with the last one. We’re also looking at some sort of workshop to help her with social skills. I’ve heard of two that sound ok, but I’m trying to hold off until summer when she has fewer activities.

People who meet her often report a charming and intelligent young lady. She can sound very mature when she so wishes, and enjoys holding conversations with adults.  She’s capable of being extremely polite when she’s trying to make a good impression. She knows how to behave, she just can’t always control her impulses.

Matan’s turn

Mar 17th, 2013
by Zendette.
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OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAI’m happy with Matan’s development in his special education class. He’s speaking freely, and and while he still lacks some clarity, both in sound and precise wording, everyone can understand him when he wants to be understood. He’s very social and his teacher reports that he’s a leader much of the time. But then, he’s always social. He makes friends with new children at the playground all the time.

We’ve been so fortunate that he’s in a regular (non special ed) afterschool program. He has a wonderful teacher who gives him a lot of extra attention to ensure that he participates. She even snaps photos with her phone and sends them to me a few times a week. The other children are in kindergarten, so actually a year older than Matan. He seems to like it, and comes home exhausted. He’s in love with a sweet girl who began giving him attention when she noticed he didn’t speak much. Apparently both her parents are deaf, so she was more sensitive to him. Now he talks about her every day to tell me if she played with him today or not. Some days he’s bummed because she didn’t play with him alone. He’s very possessive!

He also started hydrotherapy again. We had a few sessions with one therapist but then winter came and it was always cold and dark. The warm water is really great for his sensory integration and since he has a fear of water similar to K’s fear of animals, getting past it and learning to swim will also be good for him. I was really impressed with the pool we took him to. It’s used exclusively for therapy purposes, and all therapy is done one-on-one. Matan really needs that level of attention when he’s in water. Today was really just an evaluation, but he loved it, and can’t wait to go back. He says he’s afraid, but he also gets really excited about going again next week.

Horses on hold

Mar 12th, 2013
by Zendette.
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Never one to give in easily, K attended two more riding classes. Her last class ended early after she began crying. She’s always been afraid of animals and their unexpected movements. Getting thrown was traumatic, but she got back on the horse, and then attended two more classes. I could see she was nervous but when I asked, she insisted she wanted to ride. I think she may have agreed to continue because she didn’t want to disappoint me, knowing that I loved riding when I was a kid.

But the benefit of two parents is that while she felt bad telling me of her fear, this was one issue she felt more comfortable taking it to DH, who also doesn’t ride. She told him she was really afraid of going back, but that she wanted to keep up the classes because she enjoyed the one-on-one with the teacher.

After he told me about their conversation, I spoke to her, to reassure her that she could stop if that’s what she wanted. She had been so proud of herself in the first few classes, and insisted on photos of her on the horse. She usually hates when I try to catch her with the camera. But things had changed, and now she asked about taking a break, so we skipped a week. But I can tell she doesn’t want to ride again, at least not at this time, so we’ll back off and cancel. It’s not like she cancels out on her other after school activities. She’s very good about making most of her practices. Now she wants to take tennis with some girls from her class. I met the coach, who seemed really great, someone who could connect well with my daughter. K’s excited to get back to tennis and really likes the girls in the group so we’ll give it a go.

Now we still need to fill the void of some sort of emotional support therapy for her. I think we may try some small animal therapy. She got a lot out of it when she had the benefit of working with a great therapist at school last year, and was very proud of herself for holding gerbils. The key is finding the right therapist, someone who connects well with my special girl.

The flip side of equine therapy

Feb 12th, 2013
by Zendette.
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Just after I finished gushing about the joy of equine therapy, K was thrown in a rather dramatic fall. I saw it from far away, and everything seemed to freeze. I remember she appeared to do some sort of somersault or flip and landed on her back. She also hit her head at some point, but the helmet seemed to have done its job. At the time, I was focused on getting her through it. She was hysterical at first, but didn’t go into shock, and listened to her riding instructor who talked to her about why it may have happened, that something must have scared the horse.

I didn’t run directly to her when she fell. I watched, but can’t understand why I didn’t move. Maybe I didn’t want to freak her out. But as soon as she called for me, I came running, and sat and held her while she calmed down. She complained of pain at the top of her head, but eventually got up, and even got back on the horse and rode another two laps before ending for the day.

She was a bit shaky, but seemed to have taken it fairly well. She complained of some head pain that day, but the next morning she said had gone. Now we’re 3 days post the fall, and she’s got lots of pain in her shoulders, and some in her neck. She didn’t complain of these pains immediately after the incident. It seems like it’s most likely pulled muscles from the fall. She’s been eating and sleeping normally and acting normal in every way. She only said her shoulders hurt. I’ve given her hot baths and children’s ibuprofen 3 times a day. But I’ve started to worry. Maybe I should have taken her to a doctor after the fall, but I didn’t want to overreact and perhaps undo the work she’s been doing. If the body aches don’t improve by tomorrow, I’ll take her to the doctor.

Suddenly I’m scared for her. She does a lot of sports and we never gave too much thought to the risks. We decided to keep her off the gymnastics league because it would have meant 3 times weekly practice for several hours and no time for anything else. We also felt it probably wasn’t healthy for her body to spend so much energy on gymnastics alone. Now suddenly I’m faced not just with a sport that has me scared for her, but what had felt like a good therapy fit. It’s not that I saw it as something we would continue for years, just something to get K past her fear of animals, and to give her the opportunity to learn to feel towards an animal and all that goes with that.

Today I spoke to Matan’s developmental doctor about getting approval for him to do riding therapy, and she was absolutely against it. She felt very strongly that the risks of riding outweigh the potential benefits and that there are plenty of other therapies that are less dangerous. K’s getting art therapy at school now, but no other psychological support. She seems rather happy to be free of seeing a therapist on a regular basis. She is thrilled to go to each riding session, although there is always some initial fear of the animals when we arrive at the stables. K insists she enjoys riding and wants overcome her fear the barnyard animals.

What a difference a year makes

Feb 9th, 2013
by Zendette.
2 comments

Equine_therapyA year ago we were beginning to despair of finding anything that would help K behave like a normal first grader and stop the fits of rage that were ruining everything. I remember sitting up one night talking to her after weeks of hitting and acting out on an almost daily basis at school. She said, “Mommy, I don’t want to be like this”, in a sad, sad voice that seemed devoid of any hope. DH and I were also afraid to hope anymore. Her behavior, always a problem, had gotten steadily worse since beginning first grade. Two solid years of therapy and she only seemed more unhappy, her behavior more extreme.

Today it’s like we’ve scrubbed away a dirty film of anger and self hate to reveal an amazingly mature and empathetic eight year old. She has friends, does well in school, excels in sports and is becoming more social. I don’t really know how we managed to get from there to here, but a lot of things have changed. We “gave in” and put her on meds. That alone made a huge difference, but the anger was still there, it was just less extreme. We finally managed to end the relationship with a therapist we didn’t feel great about, and instead K is focusing her time on riding therapy. I’m not suggesting one is better than another, just that after three years of therapy with no breaks at all, perhaps the focus on a more physical therapy is what she needed.

We chose riding therapy because of the focus on animals. She’s hysterically afraid of animals. When we first went to the stables, she was completely on edge since chickens, dogs, cats and horses seemed to appear out of nowhere. I asked her if she wanted to go back to the car, but she said she wanted to “deal with the challenge”. She’s been going for more than a month now, enjoys it and is more relaxed around the animals. She still hates the chickens though.

The fear of animals goes back for as long as we can remember. I think it may be related to her first time ever seeing crowds of people walking and riding bikes, and dogs and children seeminly running in circles all around her.

When we first brought her home, we didn’t get any specific advice on integrating an orphanage child into our modern lifestyle. Today I know that both my children suffer from different effects of being denied sensory experiences. Both have issues related to sensory integration. Both dislike loud noises and crowds. When we adopted her, Karen had never been outside of the baby home grounds, and rarely left the single room that acted as both playroom, dining room and bedroom. She had never been in a car until we took her to get passport photos at age 2. She had never touched, or even seen a live animal.

We brought her back to Israel and our first full day home was sunny and warm. We made plans to meet up with another local couple who had shared our adoption journey. Both our families arrived home from Kiev on the same day. We were happy to follow their lead and meet them at the park with both our newly adopted children.

We met in a crowded Tel Aviv park full of people and animals, all moving faster than K had ever seen before. It must have overwhelmed her because after we got home she went into shock, refusing food and water, and lay on the floor with a blank look on her face. Our acupuncturist, Dr. Barak, advised me to put on a Russian language tv station so she would hear something familiar. Karen is a survivor and eventually snapped out of it. But it seems that the fear of dogs may be left over from that critical time when we exposed her to too much stimulation before she was ready for it.

Last year, when the phone rang, we always worried it was the school or an angry parent. “What did K do now?”. She still has fights with other children, after all, she’s still our strong-willed K, but today it’s always an issue of how she managed to turn the situation around, or at least to maintain self control. Adults who work with her often comment on how self aware she is for an 8 year old. She learned the hard way, but seems to have gained so much from the struggle.

Goodbye January, don’t come back

Feb 6th, 2013
by Zendette.
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The month from hell is finally over. It started at 4 am on Jan. 1, when my grandmother passed away. It’s taken me a few weeks to realize the true scope of my loss. Even though it’s been years since she’s been able to “take care of me” when I’m sick, I suddenly felt so alone when I realized she wasn’t going to call and ask how I was feeling. Totally self-centered, but there it is. True adulthood is when we realize that there’s no one to really worry about how rotten you may be feeling, whether from the flu or a broken heart. My grandmother nursed me through many of both.

The month didn’t improve when I went on an annual overnight trip with my company and managed to injure my feet during a 3 hour climb down a mountainside. The trip itself, a combination of Dead Sea spa hotel and some serious hiking in the desert, was wonderful. It was the side effects, two infected toes, that pushed the rest of the month into a downwards spiral.

Just as my toes were healing up enough for me to wear shoes and socks again, the flu began to make it’s way through the household. It was the never-endingest flu in memory. High fever for days, and weakness that lasts more than two weeks. DH was the hardest hit. It knocked him out so badly that he called his mom to come take care of us over the weekend. She came, she cooked, and we slowly recuperated. I lost at least two days. I think I slept through them. My sister came to Israel for my grandmother’s memorial, and we just managed to share some quality time before I got sick. Karen and Matan adore her, and now can’t wait to visit her and her family in San Fransisco. My sister and I managed to have two perfectly matched sets of kids. Both our daughter’s are the same age, and both our sons are too.

Now that February is finally here, and all of us are on the mend I suddenly see that with all the difficulties we’ve had, one thing hasn’t come up at all, Karen’s behavior. If anything, she’s been a champ throughout the month, and has been more helpful than one can expect from any 8 year old. She even goes to the supermarket to bring back emergency milk when necessary. It’s only a block away, but there is a busy street to cross. Mostly it’s an opportunity for her to feel independant, something she loves above all else.

She deserves a post of her own because the last two months have seen a subtle, but dramatic evolution for her. She’s happy, I think, for the first time in her life.

Matan breaks a clavicle, but makes lots of friends at the medical center

Jan 30th, 2013
by Zendette.
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So much has happened, but no time for updates. Karen had a wicked flu, which I then caught, so we’ve spent most of the week sick at home, together. Then today, just as my relatives were finishing up their visit to Israel to visit my grandmother at the cemetary, we get home from the memorial, only to find Matan in tears. Luckily, he didn’t break his arm in the same place again. This time he fractured his clavicle. So Dudu and I, both sick with flu, run him down to the emergency care center. Luckily, everyone’s in with the flu, so the trauma doctor was fairly available and we were able to get out in less than 2 hours.

Now what to do with a super-active, almost-five year old who needs to “take care of himself and play quietly” for the next two weeks? He went to bed insisting he wanted to go to preschool in the morning….

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