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adoption parenting

Birthdays and report cards

Jan 11th, 2012
by Zendette.
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In between MY cold, MY laryngitis and MY flu, we celebrated Karen’s birthday in full pomp and style becoming to a young lady of seven years.

The gorgeous princess cake was created by my friend, and expert cake designer, Hagit Avital. The party was designed and executed by Maly Mivulbali, who brought decorations, giveaways and a sound system. The party was a huge success. Karen said it was her best birthday, ever. One of the moms told me her daughter told her, “mom, you wouldn’t believe it, but there was a REAL princess there!”.

Today we had our half year parent-teacher meeting. The report was as good as we could have reasonably expected. In spite of the behavior problems that seemed to me overwhelming at times, Karen is a very good student, and generous with her classmates, freely lending her coloring materials, pencils and other personal items to other students who may have forgotten to bring theirs. She writes very well and is exceptionally good at math. While her reading is still halting, she does read, and simply needs to improve the fluidity. She reads better than I did in first grade!

Overall, a good report card. The teacher reports communicating with our psychologist once or twice for guidance, and there has been a great overall improvement in Karen’s behavior. Most importantly, she now knows immediately that she’s acted inappropriately. She quickly recognizes that what she’s done is unacceptable, and she usually apologizes quickly. The school, and in particular her teachers, have been very understanding and willing to adapt to help Karen overcome her impulsiveness and control her acting out in anger. She’s also working with an animal therapist once a week at school. She’s managed to overcome her fear of small creatures and is enjoying the activity.

I see Karen maturing week by week, and I’m really impressed with her growing ability to accept and adapt to more socially acceptable behavior.

Adlerian parenting

Mar 10th, 2011
by Zendette.
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DH and I recently started a parenting workshop for adoptive parents. It’s the first time he’s initiated anything like this, so I felt obliged to go along. The course is being offered by Pseifas, a post-adoption center that offers all kinds of evenings, workshops and training for adoptive parents. The course is billed as an Adlerian workshop for adoptive parents. I’ve heard good and bad things about Adler’s theories and how they are taught in parenting classes.

Our therapist, although she’s recommended going to lectures at Pseifas, but she wasn’t too happy that we selected the Adler course, feeling it puts too much emphasis on tough love type parenting. However, after our first three sessions, it seems that they really have tailored this for adoptive parents since the emphasis thus far has been in developing a child’s sense of belonging, part of the attachment issues most adoptive parents face.

One point that stood out for me, and a tip anyone can use, is how to not reward negative behavior. We usually reward negative behavior by spending time talking to the child and explaining why they shouldn’t do x,y or z. The rule is ignore the behavior, not the child. By ignoring the behavior, the child gets no parental benefit like private time to “talk it over”. But not ignoring the child while ignoring the behavior is a bit more challenging. The focus here should be on praising the child once the negative behavior stops.

A simple example is a whiny child. Tell the child to stop whining because you can’t understand what she’s saying when she whines. Then ignore the whining. As soon as she stops whining, praise her, “Excellent, now that I understand!”.

Granted, whining is a fairly easy one.

One year ago…in Lugansk

Dec 25th, 2010
by Zendette.
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We met a tiny little boy who could barely walk 2 steps without tipping over. At 21 months, he weighed in at 8.45 kg/18.6 lbs. and his height was only 75 cm/29.5 inches. Our doctor examined him and found him in good health except for his size and development, which were under the bell curve. We’ve spent the last 12 months feeding him the most nutritious food possible, with meals as frequent as every 2 hours, at times.

I’m happy to update that today he weighs in at 12.5 kg/27.5 lbs and 90 cm/35.4 inches. He is now in at least the 15th percentile on the charts I was given. His developmental delays continue to close the gap as well. He’s now climbing stairs by switching feet, right then left, instead of relying on only one foot to ascend the incline each time. I know, it doesn’t sound like much to non parents, but I, like most, get so excited by the change.

Karen will soon be six, and she’s very tall and muscular. She and I now wear the same sock size….and she’ll be up to my shoe size in no time. I expect to start losing boots shortly…She’s now weighs 25 kg/55 lbs and is 4 feet tall!

I related our first vist with Matan on Dec. 27, 2009, here.

Adoption – delayed emotional development

Jun 6th, 2010
by Zendette.
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KarenExplains

Here’s another post about parenting difficulties, especially those faced by parents of children adopted from orphanages. Both my children pose challenges, but Karen has been especially difficult for us at times. She still seems to cycle in and out of moods where she regresses and seems to act like a 2-3 year old.

Most of us know that children from orphanages have many types of delays. We are used to having those issues dealt with by doctors and specialists. Some PT, good nutrition and healthy physical activity and the child improves quickly. Emotional delays are harder to deal with and continue to affect the child long after speech and physical delays have been resolved.

With Karen, behavioral triggers can be any new, especially emotional, development in her life. A hurtful scene at gan, and suddenly we have a few weeks of hitting, intentionally breaking things, destroying clothes, etc. Ok, some are funny, like when she puts her feet on the table while she’s eating just to see if I still have the energy to say, once again, “Karen, please take your feet of the table”; “feet with shoes off the furniture”; “please stop wiping your hands on your clothes while you are eating. There is a reason you have a napkin”. These are the funny ones. Not so funny is when she’s intentionally rough with Matan, or says really hurtful things under her breath. I stopped taking her to the supermarket after she whispered, “You’re stupid”, while standing in line and staring at the checkout clerk.

Lately, I’ve been reading some good books on adoption which my sister sent me when we got home with Matan. I wish I had read some of them earlier, much earlier, like maybe 3.5 years ago when we adopted Karen. One theme I’ve found very relevant is the thesis that adopted childrens’ emotional age will depend on how long they have been with their adoptive family. This is a rough estimate, but means that if Karen was adopted at age 2, and today she is 5, then her emotional age is around 3. That would account for her meltdowns over minor issues, especially those resulting from fights with girlfriends who are usually more emotionally mature.

Right now I’m reading “Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child – from the first hours together through the teen years”. I strongly recommend it to anyone considering an international adoption. Includes good case studies that follow the development of a small group of internationally adopted toddlers.


Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child is a wonderful, thoughtful resource for adoptive parents. As both a therapist and a parent, Patty Cogen offers valuable, practical advice with hands-on suggestions and great tips. This is a book that will grow with you as you navigate your parenting journey. –Carrie Kitze, author of We See the Moon and I Don’t Have Your Eyes

And back into the light…

May 6th, 2010
by Zendette.
2 comments
KarenNMatan Smilingfun SM

Yesterday was a very good day for all of us. Matan met with the developmental specialist (MD) at the Center for Child Development. We were originally scheduled for a July appointment, but they have been wonderful about getting things moving quickly for us so that Matan doesn’t get left too much behind.

The doctor spent more than an hour evaluating him, and then another 30-45 minutes talking to me. She believes that his motor skills are a little behind, but not much. Her main concern is improving his language skills to enable better communication. From my experience with Karen, I know that the ability for us to communicate was one of our biggest hurdles in her overall development.

I used the opportunity to also discuss Karen’s issues with the doctor, and she said that we should submit paperwork that includes her name as recommending that Karen be seen. We are now in the process of getting the paperwork completed by Karen’s teacher so we can submit it and start evaluations of Karen. I think they will be able to address her late emotional development. The only issue is how long it will take to get her the necessary appointments and diagnosis. There is usually a 4-6 month wait list. But we have seen how quickly things moved with Matan once he had been seen by the physical therapist. She got everything expedited for him. I hope we get so lucky with Karen too.

Meanwhile, I spoke with our social worker, who has been ill, but will be returning to counseling and will see Karen in 10 days. She is also going to speak with one of Karen’s teachers who has indicated a strong desire to work with the social worker to help Karen. Mind you, this is not Karen’s primary teacher. That woman showed little to no interest in working with our social worker. This afternoon teacher has actually begged me to point her in the direction of someone who can help her help Karen.

I have decided that Karen’s bad behavior in school/gan will not be punished at home. We will talk about it, but I will no longer deny her visits with friends or other after school activities. I want her to maintain as much social contact as possible, even if it is only with the one or two girls who haven’t complained to their parents that Karen hit them, at least not recently.

The kids settle in

Jan 28th, 2010
by Zendette.
5 comments

Nothing could have prepared me for the maternal energy flowing thru me.  It feels wonderful, and totally new to me.

When we brought Karen home, we were both too freaked out about suddenly becoming parents to a rebellious 2 year old.  Friends who know Karen, know that she is incredibly warm and loving, but she’s not always easy.  She was rebellious from the beginning, even when we visited her twice a day to play with her at the baby home in Kremenchuk.

The interaction between Karen and Matan is really great.  Last night she ”read” him a bedtime story.  She sat with the book, and made up the text as well as she remembered.

Today her class threw her a welcome home party.  One of the teachers adores Karen.  She organized the party, and all the kids got to ask Karen questions about what it was like in Ukraine.  She managed to get through it very maturely, even though she seemed a bit nervous at first.  At least this time she participated, unlike at some of the school parties where even though she was great in all the rehearsals, she doesn’t want to perform in front of too many people – 35 kids and their attending parents.

The kids really missed her, and her “adventure” has made her an attractive property.  Now everyone suddenly wants to be her friend.  Apparently Ukraine has become a wonderful fantasy location to the kids at Gan Asaf.  They think that the “Ukraine is made up of lots of snow”. “It’s so cold you need to hurry up”.  And they all know that there is a GREAT gymboree there with trampolines and other cool kiddie stuff.

With Matan, watching his sensory realization grow is so interesting.  We are slowly, slowly, introducing people and places nearby.  1 day of sensory stimulation and then a 1 day break quietly at home.  Today he stayed home, but had to deal with me being gone for 2 chunks of time - to attend Karen’s party and to run an errand.  DH said he missed me a lot and got fussy.  He was a bit fussy all evening after I got home to feed him and put him to sleep.  He was already showing signs of being hungry at 5:30-6 so we tried to feed him a banana, but he didn’t really want that.  I fed him at 7pm, the same time he ate at the baby home each day.  He ate up a storm, and love the blended, cooked vegetable base I used to add a broken up meatball and some rice to make a thick meal for him.  My MIL is coming to visit and meet him on Saturday.  She’s bringing us a second installment of the foods he likes that she cooked – her meatballs and the vegetable soup I use to bind it all.

Welcome Home Party

Today’s photo is from the surprise party her classmates threw for her.  I took long videos and tried to capture most of the event so DH could see how mature she was throughout.  She didn’t fidget too much, and apart from some initial nerves, mostly seemed to enjoy the event.  It was really moving to see her friends come up and offer her their blessings/congratulations.  I can’t post the videos, too much, too heavy, and probably mostly of interest to us and great material for her bat-mitzva!