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Eureka, we found it!

TelAviv.bythebeachA new home, that is. As a child, I was always leaving, always moving to a new country, language, home. Likewise, I flew more in my first 14 years than the average person does in a lifetime. Both were traumatic for me at the time. Maybe that’s why the idea of moving makes me so nervous.

Like me, Karen and Matan also went through a traumatic change when we removed them from their incubator baby homes. They came from overheated rooms, empty of all personal warmth and any stimulation whatsoever except bland, soft meals. We introduced them to their real home and forever family. Children adopted at their ages often have attachment issues and we were advised that any move during the first year home would be too much for them, so we waited. Now we can’t put it off any longer. We desperately need a separate bedroom for each child. They both need their alone time with each parent, and a separate bedroom will help us do that, at least at bedtime. Plus, we just need more space, period.

To be clear, we are only planning to move to a bigger apartment in our current neighborhood. In fact, it is literally across the street, yet still the idea of packing up and getting settled into a new, long term home makes me want to give up and stay in our smaller, but familiar environment.

The good news is that after months of searching and seeing a combination of unsuitable apartments and/or landlords, we finally found a place that met our requirements and just “felt” right. We finally realized that we could delay no longer. The landlords seem very nice. The apartment is in fantastic shape and they are leaving all kitchen appliances, which allows us to leave our built-in kitchen untouched when we lease our place.

August 1st is the big day!

Attachment in adoption

Threeofus

All parents spend an inordinate amount of energy focusing on their children’s development. Adoptive parents must have an extra energy source since they accomplish the impossible – they obsess even more than biological parents. Our main concerns? The twin pillars of successful integration; attachment and development (all types).

When we adopt toddlers from orphanages, we need to be aware that these children probably never had the opportunity to attach to any parent figure. We noticed that staff is rotated so that infants rarely encounter the same caretaker for any length of time. When we adopt the child as a toddler, he is already far behind his peers both emotionally and physically. One key to building a successful adoptive family is ensuring that the adoptive child develops attachment to the adoptive parents. Poor attachment leads to inability to maintain healthy relationships.

I believe that all orphanage babies will have attachment issues. The only question is how long, and what it may take, to achieve healthy attachment.

Attachment was a key issue my sister and I discussed while she was here. Karen took a very long time to attach to us, to me specifically. It was definitely more than a year before I felt that she really wanted me to comfort her, and that I wasn’t just the most convenient person around to do so at any given time. Matan is very different. He seems to have attached to me very quickly. The speed alone has me concerned since it seems to me that it is normal to face attachment issues with these kids. I’d like to think that Matan had better caregivers, it certainly looked like it from what I could see. But I’m concerned that his attachment may not be as deep as Karen’s. Maybe because her’s was earned through hard work by all of us. His attachment seems almost miraculous, too good to be true.

For anyone planning to adopt internationally, I recommend reading up on attachment issues. One of the more useful books I read was “Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents” by Deborah D. Gray

Today he said “Abba”

Together

First, thank you Dana for posting your soup recipes! We’re eating a lot of soup these days. Matan eats anything with a mushy consistency. Got any pie recipies? I’ve been suffering from a terrible sweet cravings, especially the sweet-sour of an apple and cranberry pie with lots of cinnamon, that sort of thing is making me drool. I tried to satisfy it in Ukraine when I saw a cherry pie at McDonalds. It looked perfect, but had that plasticy aftertaste that makes you realize why they only cost a buck.

Matan is such an easy child to be with compared to our experience with Karen at the same stage. Obviously, it helps that we were more prepared, emotionally this time. We think its a combination of two very different personalities and also very different levels of QOC (quality of care) in the baby homes.

Karen was rebellious from the beginning, and very standoff-ish, physically. Unlike many baby home children, she didn’t throw herself into the arms of the first smiling adult she saw. Her baby home was no where near the level of his, both in terms of facilities, and warmth from the caretakers.

Matan easily makes, and maintains eye contact with me. He enjoys pleasant sensory stimulation, and always wants to be held and pampered. Karen didn’t want to be held or helped if she could help it. One of her favorite phrases was, “me, alone (I WILL do it myself)”

He experienced warmth from his caretakers, something that really impressed me at his baby home. I’m really glad that Karen got to spend time there because it means she has developed a positive view of her early life.

They’re sleeping now. She’s going to bed much more easily than ever before. She’s tries her best to keep quiet so as not to disturb Matan. It’s unbelievable how much of a maternal instinct she exhibits with him. Having him join our family has brought a new, and very positive balance to our family relationships. Matan brings out the maternal instinct in almost everyone. He’s pretty amazing that way