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ODD

and the band played on

Apr 4th, 2013
by Zendette.
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Some days it feels like nothing’s changed. I’ve removed K from her afterschool program after she continued to have behavioral problems. Instead of getting better, her behavior seemed to get worse when we tried several changes to accomodate her there. I think she felt that the changes were rejections, and so things got worse. Luckily, I can have her in an alternate program by next week, but it brings back home the issue of her inability to control her impulses.

Just as I’m digesting the changes I’ll have to make as a result of the childcare issues, I receive notice from her teacher that she hit two of her friends at school. She claims it was “friendly”, but the girls are afraid of her, so clearly, it’s not.

True, she no longer exhibits the level of violence of last year, but she still pushes, and hits on occasion. She usually explains it as a misunderstanding. She didn’t mean to hit, she meant just to “lightly touch”. We’ve told her over and over again that she’s lost the benefit of the doubt, and there should be NO touching anyone else, for any reason. Then again, I see all the kids pushing and shoving, and feel sorry for K, because she feels she’s only doing what other kids do. She fails to realize two things:

1. She’s much stronger than the average child, and what may feel like a light push to her, is actually a forceful shove to someone else, and

2. She has an angry streak that scares people. When she gets really angry, even if she doesn’t raise her hands, she is capable of saying some really awful things to other people, both children and adults.  In any case, she’s mastered the art of scaring people. It’s almost funny how no one at home is afraid of her. Even Matan loves playing with her, and shows no fear, even when they fight.

She has such a keen understanding of these issues, and keeps telling me that she is controlling her behavior, it’s just that she’s misunderstood. I so want to believe her, but I know that she simply loses control and has no valid explanation. She insists she has control, even when I show her that she clearly does not. I do think she understands, but that she’s afraid of her own lack of self control. If anything, Karen is a control freak, and hates not to be able to accomplish what she’s set out to do. Often she has to reject something in order to let go of going for perfection.

The horseback riding didn’t work out. The fall sort of put an end to it. She’s afraid to go back. Now I’m considering emotional therapy with the help of small animals. I’m also considering a new therapist, one with whom we’ve spoken before. I liked her and I think it will be a more positive environment than we had with the last one. We’re also looking at some sort of workshop to help her with social skills. I’ve heard of two that sound ok, but I’m trying to hold off until summer when she has fewer activities.

People who meet her often report a charming and intelligent young lady. She can sound very mature when she so wishes, and enjoys holding conversations with adults.  She’s capable of being extremely polite when she’s trying to make a good impression. She knows how to behave, she just can’t always control her impulses.

What a difference a year makes

Feb 9th, 2013
by Zendette.
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Equine_therapyA year ago we were beginning to despair of finding anything that would help K behave like a normal first grader and stop the fits of rage that were ruining everything. I remember sitting up one night talking to her after weeks of hitting and acting out on an almost daily basis at school. She said, “Mommy, I don’t want to be like this”, in a sad, sad voice that seemed devoid of any hope. DH and I were also afraid to hope anymore. Her behavior, always a problem, had gotten steadily worse since beginning first grade. Two solid years of therapy and she only seemed more unhappy, her behavior more extreme.

Today it’s like we’ve scrubbed away a dirty film of anger and self hate to reveal an amazingly mature and empathetic eight year old. She has friends, does well in school, excels in sports and is becoming more social. I don’t really know how we managed to get from there to here, but a lot of things have changed. We “gave in” and put her on meds. That alone made a huge difference, but the anger was still there, it was just less extreme. We finally managed to end the relationship with a therapist we didn’t feel great about, and instead K is focusing her time on riding therapy. I’m not suggesting one is better than another, just that after three years of therapy with no breaks at all, perhaps the focus on a more physical therapy is what she needed.

We chose riding therapy because of the focus on animals. She’s hysterically afraid of animals. When we first went to the stables, she was completely on edge since chickens, dogs, cats and horses seemed to appear out of nowhere. I asked her if she wanted to go back to the car, but she said she wanted to “deal with the challenge”. She’s been going for more than a month now, enjoys it and is more relaxed around the animals. She still hates the chickens though.

The fear of animals goes back for as long as we can remember. I think it may be related to her first time ever seeing crowds of people walking and riding bikes, and dogs and children seeminly running in circles all around her.

When we first brought her home, we didn’t get any specific advice on integrating an orphanage child into our modern lifestyle. Today I know that both my children suffer from different effects of being denied sensory experiences. Both have issues related to sensory integration. Both dislike loud noises and crowds. When we adopted her, Karen had never been outside of the baby home grounds, and rarely left the single room that acted as both playroom, dining room and bedroom. She had never been in a car until we took her to get passport photos at age 2. She had never touched, or even seen a live animal.

We brought her back to Israel and our first full day home was sunny and warm. We made plans to meet up with another local couple who had shared our adoption journey. Both our families arrived home from Kiev on the same day. We were happy to follow their lead and meet them at the park with both our newly adopted children.

We met in a crowded Tel Aviv park full of people and animals, all moving faster than K had ever seen before. It must have overwhelmed her because after we got home she went into shock, refusing food and water, and lay on the floor with a blank look on her face. Our acupuncturist, Dr. Barak, advised me to put on a Russian language tv station so she would hear something familiar. Karen is a survivor and eventually snapped out of it. But it seems that the fear of dogs may be left over from that critical time when we exposed her to too much stimulation before she was ready for it.

Last year, when the phone rang, we always worried it was the school or an angry parent. “What did K do now?”. She still has fights with other children, after all, she’s still our strong-willed K, but today it’s always an issue of how she managed to turn the situation around, or at least to maintain self control. Adults who work with her often comment on how self aware she is for an 8 year old. She learned the hard way, but seems to have gained so much from the struggle.

From mad to sad

Oct 9th, 2012
by Zendette.
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K cried all the way home from a birthday party today. She cries very easily lately, but today I understood the dynamics. She first became upset when she was shoved to the back because she wasn’t pushy enough. Later, she cried because she didn’t win like she usually does when she pushes others out of the way. Her crying seems to have replaced much of her aggressiveness.

I’m happy about this change, not only because we have less anger, but because the crying indicates that she is beginning to let go, to let things out. In the past she was always a control freak, and always wanted independence and to do things alone. Now she asks for help, tells us when she’s worried about doing something on her own, and now the crying instead of pushing and being aggressive. I only wish I knew the best way to work with this new phase of hers to help her get the most out of the changes she’s experiencing. It definitely indicates an opening up, and perhaps she’ll want to examine some of her feelings around her adoption eventually. I try to make myself available, but I’m not always sure I bring her to talk about things in the best way, ask the right questions, show empathy at the right times. ‘Cause with K, if you do any of the aforementioned at the wrong time, it will just totally piss her off, like a teenager.

in the summer time

Jul 11th, 2012
by Zendette.
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School’s out and K’s at camp. Every day M asks me when he gets to start his new pre-school and both of them are looking forward to babysitting a cat again for two weeks this summer, and perhaps going away for a few nights to a zimmer in the Golan.

K’s thriving at summer camp. Her Judo instructor runs the entire program so even though there are about 100 kids, K still gets her fix of attention from the top gun. She’s happy with the activities and is ready to sign up for a second session. I’m so grateful that she’s been able to maintain her behavior, even in a less structured environment. She’s investing a lot of effort to show me, and herself, how much she’s changed. Today at the pool a boy was acting aggressively towards her and a younger girl she was playing with. K first tried to move away and ignore the boy. I could see her heating up. She said something to him, it looked like she was trying to reason with him. Suddenly it looked like they were all friends, and no one was angry anymore. I was SOOOOO proud of my girl!

and back again

May 8th, 2012
by Zendette.
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Three days in a row, same story, different hour, each day, earlier than the next. The school called us on Sunday after 12, to pick her up after disturbing behavior. The next day, physical violence, and another call, this time around 11 am. Today, the principal called 30 minutes ago, at 10:15.

I’m on my way to pick her up. She’ll be grounded from all activities this week, including the L’ag B’Omer bonfire with her class scheduled for tonight, and a play date for tomorrow afternoon, as well as tennis and Judo.

We are doing everything we can. Like I said to the principal when she called, “tell me what you want me to do”. So we have a meeting scheduled in 10 minutes. Life goes on.

for whom the phone rings

May 2nd, 2012
by Zendette.
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It rang for Karen. As we near the end of the school year, and Karen is going on almost 2 months of good behavior at school, I got a call that almost had me in tears.

For several weeks, Karen’s been asking me to call a girlfriend’s mother to arrange a play date. I had put it off because I knew how many of the mothers considered Karen an inappropriate friend for their daughters due to her behavior. While I hadn’t had a complaint from this particular mother, and Karen promised that she had never done anything to the girl, I was afraid to call. The last time I picked Karen up from school and the girls both asked me if they can meet up one afternoon, I gave the girl my phone number, and suggested that her mom could give me a call so we could arrange something.

I was thrilled to get a phone call at the end of last week from the girl’s mother inviting Karen over this afternoon. She sounded so nice on the phone and didn’t ask any of the nervous questions I’ve come to expect. The daughter also appears to be quiet and thoughtful.

Karen usually behaved well whenever she was invited to friends’ homes in the past, so I’m sure today will go well. But last night when we talked about her expectations for today, she told me she was nervous about going. In kindergarten, she never exhibited any inhibitions about inviting herself over to someone new. She even approached parents and asked them if she could come over one afternoon. The fact that she is nervous fits with her overall concern that she will crack, and the bad behavior will again alight upon her, undoing all the good work she’s done on herself over the past two years.

She is very aware of the changes in her behavior, primarily because she’s working so hard to maintain control at school, even under stress. She’s also gotten a lot of positive feedback, especially from us. She goes out of her way to be friendly and social with the girls in her class. She’s been generous with all her school supplies and her teacher reports that she often helps others. But I think there are moments every day when she fears losing control will send her spiraling downwards to the depths she was in several months ago. Being nervous about her first visit to a new friend in months fits with the fear of a relapse. But I think her willpower and awareness will keep her safe from herself.

Dare I post this before I pick her up and know how it went?

Spring is here and all is well

Apr 17th, 2012
by Zendette.
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K has become my best angel. She’s rarely angry and hasn’t had any problems with violence, verbal or physical, in the last month. More than that, her language has changed completely. She speaks politely most of the time and is much more open to talking about her feelings, and asking me about mine. Of course she still gets frustrated, but deals with it in a more logical manner. She tells me that she uses some of the tools she learned from Moshe Elbaum and from her therapist.

With Passover, both kids were on vacation for 10 days. But before and since, I continued to get almost daily reports from both teachers and other mothers that Karen has been polite, helpful and most importantly, not angry or destructive. She’s even changed her manner of dress. Where once she wore only sweats and usually had them stained and torn by the end of the day, she’s now wearing skirts and tights with pretty shirts and staying much cleaner. It’s as if 85% of all the negativity she had been carrying with her forever, has just dissipated, leaving a sweet, but very independent first grader.

As her behavior has improved, we have granted her more privileges and independence. She has always wanted to do things on her own. In fact, some of her first words were, “me, alone”. In other words, she would stop me from helping her dress, bathe, etc., as a 2 year old, and yell at me, “me, alone”, she wanted to do it all alone, with no help.

Now that she’s in school, and sees the older kids arriving on bicycles and scooters, she also wants to ride her bike to school. It’s not far, but there are 2 street’s to cross, and several driveways. We weren’t keen on allowing it, not just because we felt she wasn’t responsible enough to stop and walk the bike at cross walks, but also because we didn’t want the bike at school to cause more behavioral issues.

Now that she has succeeded in conquering her behavioral problems for almost 2 months, with only one week of problems more than a month ago, we decided to let her ride the bike and lock it up at school, then ride it home. Of course we “shadow” her in the car, initially to make sure she was being safe, and now just because it makes her feel better to know we’re near by, even if she is doing it all on her own. And guess what? She’s showing incredible levels of responsibility in safety. I told her the more responsible she behaves the more freedom she will get. But how much more freedom is it safe to give even the most precocious and well behaved 7 year old, no matter how responsible?

Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles

Mar 28th, 2012
by Zendette.
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K’s anger seems to have nearly disappeared! She is currently in several new treatment situations, so it’s hard to pinpoint exactly what’s working, but the girl has done an amazing change job on herself.

I have rarely seen her angry at all in the last two weeks, and when she does get upset, she gets over it quickly, once I get her to see things rationally. In the past, she wouldn’t have listened to any attempt on my part.

She’s still super energetic, although she’s spent less, overall time doing sports activities in the last month, but that may be due to all the therapies. She still maintains her practice schedule, and has been responsible about doing her homework. She’s more polite, less abrasive, and uses more tact. While I know she still has a long way to go, the school has also noticed the marked change. The aggression seems to have withered up and is dying. But not quite dead yet, I’m sure.

Still Crying

Feb 6th, 2012
by Zendette.
3 comments

Paralysis is my reaction to the extreme pain I see reflected on Karen’s face each day, for the last few weeks. She’s been shut out by the girls in her class. The boys are willing to play football with her, but don’t want to be friends. And now, even the “nice” teachers and school admins are sick of her anti social behavior. She has only us and home as her refuge from the real world. Even the school principal came up to Karen and DH and told them it’s time to look for a different school. Karen was deeply hurt by the rejection of an authority figure who had, up until recently, done a lot to get Karen to trust her. Now the trust is gone, and a child who has already faced the ultimate rejection, is again abandoned by someone she was expected to trust.

I originally ignored the bizarre statistics I’d heard, that up to 60% of the children in our area are on psychotropic meds to keep them functioning as automatons of the school system. I thought the number was inflated by reactionary parents. But no, I met a teacher from a kibbutz school, traditionally considered “better” schools with smaller classes. She told me about half the students are on Ritalin or it’s relatives. Those numbers are completely crazy. It’s not our kids, it’s the molds they are being forced into by the modern world. It’s making me want to live off the grid…as I ever could!

The school wants us to take some sort of drastic action. We’re not sure what, yet. Meeting the whole crew from school next week to hear the principal’s verdict. They can’t force us to medicate her, but they can make her life, and ours very unpleasant if we choose not to. We suggested they transfer her to a different first grade class, one with a more experienced, and stronger teacher. So far, they’ve refused, but it may be the only option open to them at this point. Of course they wield the ultimate weapon. Apparently someone has mentioned it to Karen, because she’s terrified they are going to suddenly switch her to a different school. I did my homework today and found out it’s not so easy, but if the principal is convinced nothing can be done to turn Karen into a pliable student, like all ordinary, domesticated students, she has declared herself willing to force us out of her school.

Our plan, as parents, is to be as supportive as possible because she really needs to be reminded regularly that she’s not inherently “bad”. Last week, at bedtime, she told me, “I was already bad even before I was born. I’m bad from before I came out of the tummy”. All I can do is keep on pointing out the kind things she does. Her therapist started a book with her, where, at the end of each day, we list the times she was able to overcome her desire to do something to hurt someone else. We also list anything especially nice she has done for others. The point is to keep her focused on the positive actions she accomplishes. She already gets enough attention for the negative ones.

What next?

Jan 29th, 2012
by Zendette.
2 comments

Last week was a difficult one for Karen, and for all of us. Without going into the details, her school called us on Tuesday to pick her up at around 10 am after she behaved horribly and nearly caused a riot in class. I kept her home from some of her after school programs and she spent most of the week thinking about her behavior and how disappointed we are that she hasn’t been able to maintain a moderate level of equanimity regardless of what we and the school try. Almost 2 years of therapy, hard work on our part and on hers, and still, she lost control and continues to lose control when she thinks she’s being slighted or attacked. She perceives slights even if another student gives her a “look”.

In spite of the situation at school, she’s been a real joy at home. It’s almost as if she needs to get the anger out. Either she releases it at school, and then can be more relaxed at home, or else she holds it in all day, and then takes it out on me when I pick her up.

It’s so hard for her. She clearly made a huge effort to control her behavior for several weeks leading up to her birthday. She knew that if there were any major problems, we would cancel the party. Now that her birthday is over, it seems her incentive is gone. She is an excellent student and is reading well and even began doing multiplication this week. The school seems at a loss as to how to deal with her. I think they are also finding it very confusing to see a girl who excels at school, yet who sometimes reacts violently to the smallest slight.

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