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oppositional behavior

Pride

Oct 17th, 2012
by Zendette.
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I’m so proud of my girl! Today she got another kid suspended, but that’s not why I’m proud. She maintained an amazing amount of control in the face of humiliation and managed to “do the right thing”. Instead of reacting with physical violence, she yelled, and ran to tell the school principal. Now I know some people might see running to tell tales as a negative feature, but for us, it’s exactly what we’ve been telling her to do for over a year, “if someone hurts you, tell the teacher. DON’T hit back!”

During morning recess, Karen was playing with the boys because at times she feels the girls don’t want to include her. Two of the boys ganged up behind her, and pulled down her tights from behind. She said “everyone” saw. A year ago, she would have attacked the nearest of the two would likely have been violent enough to get suspended for a day.

But today, no. She yelled at them, then went to find the school principal. There was an issue of which boy actually did it, and which one pushed him to do it, but my only concern is that my daughter reacted exactly we’ve taught her.

At bedtime we had one of our talks, and of course I talked about how proud I am of her, and how much she’s learned to control her anger, and react in an acceptable manner. But then I asked her, “if it had happened a year ago, would the principal have believed you?”. She thought about it, and quietly admitted that no, the boys would probably have gotten away with saying that she started it somehow. Luckily, here we had a classfull of second grade witnesses, who were all too happy to tell what they saw.

She talked about how it embarrassed her when everyone laughed, and I commisserated, but also asked her what she thinks they are talking about more, that she was momentarily embarrassed, or that a boy was suspended? We both agreed that the real news/takehome for the day would be that a boy was suspended.

I feel bad for the mother of the boy who was sent home. She knows that it was the other boy who convinced him it would be fun to do. Even I already know who the “bad” kids are who must be ultimately to blame when a good kid does something wrong. The stigma’s been applied to K for so long, I know how horrible any parent must feel when a similar stigma attaches to their child.

Edited to add: My goal was for K to focus on the massive accomplishment and control she managed, rather than the embarrassment. I think I succeeded since she went to bed content, for a change.

School conference, check

Mar 6th, 2012
by Zendette.
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Yesterday we had our second school conference with the admin, school psychologist, Karen’s teacher, and her school counselor. All report an improvement in her behavior for the last 2 weeks, but they reminded us that we’ve seen such short term improvements before, and while encouraging her and giving her lots of positive reinforcement, we should also be prepared for the inevitable backslide.

They also pinpointed that most problems occur during breaks and transitions between classes. Their job is to make more of an effort to follow her during these crucial periods. Her teacher also advised that she is an outstanding student, and even perhaps too much of a perfectionist. Apparently she becomes very angry when she makes a mistake or doesn’t write something nicely enough. Her handwriting is very good. She is especially good at math. The entire school team feels that K does not have a problem with ADD/ADHD. They all agreed that her acting out was due to the sensory issues and internal anger rather than any learning disorder.

Karen is thrilled at her success so far, and really wants to maintain the good behavior. She talks about it a lot, reminding us how well she’s doing. Of course we also give her a ton of positive reinforcement. I have also been spending a lot of time alone with her. We’ve been through similar before, but she’s always eventually reverted back to violence. She says that she often remembers things her therapist has told her, and it reminds her to stop herself before lashing out.

She’s now seeing her therapist twice a week, and Moshe Elbaum once a week. This, in addition to her sports activities 4 times a week. Yes, she’s a very busy little girl, but she doesn’t want to give up on any of it. I allow her to skip sports if she’s tired and doesn’t feel like it, but that rarely happens. She’s very dedicated to success.

We are really grateful that she is doing well in school. I think they have a much bigger incentive to work with her because she’s a good student. Had she been a poor student with behavior problems, they would be a lot less inclined to expend extra resources on her. Her homeroom teacher, to whom Karen has become very attached, has put in a lot of extra work and time to work with Karen. She seems very dedicated to proving that Karen can improve. It’s her first year teaching, and we’re very lucky that she sees this as a challenge rather than a problem. That’s the difference between a real teacher, and someone who is just doing their job.

What next?

Jan 29th, 2012
by Zendette.
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Last week was a difficult one for Karen, and for all of us. Without going into the details, her school called us on Tuesday to pick her up at around 10 am after she behaved horribly and nearly caused a riot in class. I kept her home from some of her after school programs and she spent most of the week thinking about her behavior and how disappointed we are that she hasn’t been able to maintain a moderate level of equanimity regardless of what we and the school try. Almost 2 years of therapy, hard work on our part and on hers, and still, she lost control and continues to lose control when she thinks she’s being slighted or attacked. She perceives slights even if another student gives her a “look”.

In spite of the situation at school, she’s been a real joy at home. It’s almost as if she needs to get the anger out. Either she releases it at school, and then can be more relaxed at home, or else she holds it in all day, and then takes it out on me when I pick her up.

It’s so hard for her. She clearly made a huge effort to control her behavior for several weeks leading up to her birthday. She knew that if there were any major problems, we would cancel the party. Now that her birthday is over, it seems her incentive is gone. She is an excellent student and is reading well and even began doing multiplication this week. The school seems at a loss as to how to deal with her. I think they are also finding it very confusing to see a girl who excels at school, yet who sometimes reacts violently to the smallest slight.

Birthdays and report cards

Jan 11th, 2012
by Zendette.
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In between MY cold, MY laryngitis and MY flu, we celebrated Karen’s birthday in full pomp and style becoming to a young lady of seven years.

The gorgeous princess cake was created by my friend, and expert cake designer, Hagit Avital. The party was designed and executed by Maly Mivulbali, who brought decorations, giveaways and a sound system. The party was a huge success. Karen said it was her best birthday, ever. One of the moms told me her daughter told her, “mom, you wouldn’t believe it, but there was a REAL princess there!”.

Today we had our half year parent-teacher meeting. The report was as good as we could have reasonably expected. In spite of the behavior problems that seemed to me overwhelming at times, Karen is a very good student, and generous with her classmates, freely lending her coloring materials, pencils and other personal items to other students who may have forgotten to bring theirs. She writes very well and is exceptionally good at math. While her reading is still halting, she does read, and simply needs to improve the fluidity. She reads better than I did in first grade!

Overall, a good report card. The teacher reports communicating with our psychologist once or twice for guidance, and there has been a great overall improvement in Karen’s behavior. Most importantly, she now knows immediately that she’s acted inappropriately. She quickly recognizes that what she’s done is unacceptable, and she usually apologizes quickly. The school, and in particular her teachers, have been very understanding and willing to adapt to help Karen overcome her impulsiveness and control her acting out in anger. She’s also working with an animal therapist once a week at school. She’s managed to overcome her fear of small creatures and is enjoying the activity.

I see Karen maturing week by week, and I’m really impressed with her growing ability to accept and adapt to more socially acceptable behavior.

Good news from school, but still a lot of work ahead

Nov 21st, 2011
by Zendette.
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After all the warnings we heard from parents of older adoptees about how the school system fails our children, our meeting with K’s school principal, school psychologist, and homeroom teacher almost had me in tears of gratitude.

Last night, another complaint from a parent. K pushed their son because he was staring at her and had apparently done something to hurt her feelings earlier. DH and I worried the issue to death last night, taking comfort in the knowledge that this morning we would finally have our long awaited school meeting to discuss K’s behavior, primarily violence to other children and their belongings.

Of course I’ve already met with the teacher and even the principal to discuss the behavioral issues, but this was the first time we had a team meeting, along with the school psychologist to plan how to use all our resources to help K overcome the behavior that she so hates in herself.

The principal has already proven herself extremely dedicated to helping K. She began the meeting by talking about how K is doing extremely well academically, and she even threw around the work “gifted” at one point, the magic word that every parent longs to hear.

The psychologist was perfect. A former Ukrainian-Russian, she exhibited a keen knowledge of the issues facing children adopted from Ukrainian baby homes. In the space of an hour, the principal helped our “team” define the problem, and then map a plan of action. I was incredibly impressed with the professionalism in creating the plan, while expressing a real warmth and understanding towards K.

K’s teacher also told us that she is rarely disruptive during class anymore and that the crisis times are when her activities are less tightly controlled. In fact, K clearly thrives in a structured environment and loses control given too much freedom.

The current power plan we developed is that during breaks one of the volunteers who apparently inhabit our school will be tasked specifically with keeping tabs on K to ensure that a minor irritation doesn’t flare into a full scale shoving match, or worse. In addition, because K often finishes her schoolwork early, and then has “free” time while the rest of the class toils on, they decided that every day, for a period of 10-15 minutes before a recess break, someone will pull K and 2-3 of the better students out of class to play early. They will engage in a structured game which will also help her with socialization and to move into the break already involved in play with some of the children. The goals are several, both to help with the socialization process that is such a challenge for her, and also to give positive reinforcement, in terms of a “prize” to the children who finish their schoolwork a few minutes early. K will not be pulled each and every time, just on many of the occasions so that it doesn’t look as if this is being done specifically for, or “to”, her. The principal kept reinforcing that almost every step had to focus on positive reinforcement rather than punishment.

In terms of dealing with any violence that does occur, we again reiterated the importance of an immediate response such that it isn’t something that is lost in the fog of the rest of the day.

The meeting left me with an incredible “high”. First, it was amazing to hear everyone praising K. First and foremost for her apparent academic abilities and also for the strong efforts that they can see she’s making to improve. We all seem to be on the same page. Clearly K’s behavior is unacceptable, but all extolled the visible effort she makes on a daily basis to control herself.

Lastly, it was reassuring to hear from the school psychologist that K’s therapist seemed to be on the right track, in her opinion as an educational psychologist, as opposed to clinical. When asked by the principal whether it seemed reasonable that K had been with her therapist for more than a year and still needed such a high level of behavior modulation, the school psychologist adamantly supported K’s therapist, explaining that children who are adopted as toddlers need to work through a very long period of time that they had zero emotional development. She agreed with my explanation that adopted children’s emotional development only begins at the time of adoption, therefore a child adopted at 2 yo who is now 6 yo often only has the emotional development of a 4 yo. This info and the psychologist’s affirmation seemed to deeply impress both K’s teacher and the principal.

In 12 hours we went from being closer to hopeless about ever improving K’s behavior, to feeling proud of what she has accomplished so far and very hopeful about her future with such a supportive school administration. What an emotional roller coaster, this parenting thing is turning out to be!

What idiot said childhood is the best time of our lives?

Nov 3rd, 2011
by Zendette.
5 comments

K is doing really well academically during her first semester of first grade. She reads, writes and does simple addition. She usually completes all her homework in her after school program so that she’s free to engage in other activities, usually sports, once she gets home. She’s doing well in both her tennis, 2x week, and her gymnastics, just once a week. This leaves her 2 weekdays when she can meet with friends or do something else. All good stuff that any parent would envy. The problem is friends. She has few due to her strong attachment and then aversion to any child she becomes close with. It’s cyclical with her.

We continue to get complaints that she pushes, hits and, most often, engages in annoying touching or destruction of others’ workbooks. One day she stood up in the middle of class and began going around the room kissing students. It proved to be very annoying to several students, and disruptive to the whole class. She has used kisses with me in the past to confirm love, but also at times she will aggressively kiss me or Matan. She seems to want to use an act that is supposed to be positive, in order to elicit a negative reaction. I’m not sure why, but I think it’s related to her grasping at, then pushing away friends. I believe aversion is partly due to wanting to test how much they really love her, just as she does with her parents. Testing a parent’s love seems to be a common behavior pattern with adopted children. Although most children test their parents to some extent, children adopted as toddlers tend to constantly test boundaries, hence the need for very clear ones.

I have posted in the past about K’s oppositional behavior. Wikipedia describes oppositional Defiant Disorder, or ODD behavior as, ” Children and adolescents with this disorder often annoy others on purpose, blame others for their mistakes, and are easily annoyed.” They also note that,”Common features of Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) include excessive, often persistent anger, frequent temper tantrums or angry outbursts, and disregard for authority.”

While it is true that she has improved and is much less aggressive. I get the sense that she’s spending less time with other children for two reasons. First, she has few friends who want to meet with her after school hours and second, I believe she really doesn’t want to engage in behavior that will anger or disappoint us, or that will make children dislike her so she sometimes just goes off on her own to escape what we sometimes feel is the inevitable.

On the bright side, we have found the parents and the school to be much more willing to work with us than now. We even had a family field trip for her whole class last Saturday which was a lot of fun (See thumnail) But I saw K sitting on her own quite a bit. She did play with her friends, but she also seemed to want to play with DH and Matan. It was an interesting dynamic to see how much she preferred to be with friends vs. family. When they were hiking and playing, she was with friends. But during free times, and some of the games, she preferred to sit alone or hang out with family. Interestingly, she has such a strong attachment to the nuclear family that she has a hard time viewing even her grandparents as “real” family.

Best Rosh HaShana gift ever

Oct 5th, 2011
by Zendette.
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Hitting bottom often means there’s no way else but up. I don’t think Karen hit bottom, but she was really hating school until 10 days ago. Finally her teacher sent Karen to the principal for being constantly disruptive and touching other children in annoying or painful ways.

This principal is amazing! Karen came home that day quieter, and said she had done all her homework in the principal’s office. I had already scheduled a meeting with the principal on Monday to discuss how we should deal with Karen’s behavior. Sunday all went well, and Karen came home after a day she described as “fun”. Monday morning I nervously show up at the principal’s office expecting some sort of slap. Instead this wonderful woman told me that Karen is “amazing”. First off, she said that Karen has excellent concentration because she was able to complete her homework even while the principal was talking on the phone and having people in and out of her office. She said Karen worked on her assignment with great determination. We talked a little about her family and raising children. She said that she’d be happy to receive advice from Karen’s therapist.

But wait, Monday afternoon I pick Karen up from school and yet again I hear she behaved well. Tuesday was the same, and on Wednesday we celebrated Rosh HaShana. It truly looks like this time the New Year also brought about a profound change in Karen’s behavior. Can it be that simply being sent to the school principal’s office in itself brought out the angel in Karen?

And so it’s been more than a week of schooldays now, divided up by many days off for holidays and Karen seems to be happy at school. Yesterday we had our together day where I picked her up early and took her out to McDonald’s for lunch. She really values that time we have alone together and we had fun. She’s been busy with the sports and other after school activities. Her tennis teacher says that Karen’s been much more focused in the last 3 classes. Not sure if it’s related, or whether it’s just that she doesn’t have DH sitting there watching, judging.

Where did our oppositional behavior disappear to?

Jan 16th, 2011
by Zendette.
3 comments

That’s what everyone is asking. To be more specific, Karen’s teachers are amazed at the difference in her since last year. She has become more polite, less aggressive, and is actively working to repair relationships which she damaged in the past by her behavior. This according to Karen’s primary teacher. She and one other teacher attribute the changes to our work with a psychologist, who we began seeing September of this year. Before that, we were working with our adoption social worker, but by midsummer, it became obvious that Karen needed more professional intervention.

I also think that we, as parents, have made a difference. We work really hard to give positive feedback, and to be consistent with rules. It’s hard, and we make a lot of mistakes, but we do our best. Karen is such a joy to be with when she’s not being oppositional. She’s so warm and loving. She adores us, and Matan even more. Sure, they fight, and she can be pretty awful to him, but she loves him, and woe unto anyone who hurts him!

We’ve always had ups and downs with Karen. There have been other times when we’ve hoped her behavior issues are behind us. But all in all, some of what we see as bad think her bad behavior is behind us. Her teacher told us that although Karen has changed, people still see her as the “old” Karen, and it will take time for parents and some of the children to realize that she just isn’t the same child anymore.

She does still act out, but I’ve found that she is most likely to be difficult right after I pick her up from kindergarten. I think she works really hard to behave there, and once she’s with me, she needs to relax and let go of the pressure to self discipline so strongly. Maybe it’s a good thing that she feels able to regress with me. She usually snaps out of it once she’s had some time to relax, or engage in another activity like her gymnastics class.

More opposition, and violence

Nov 21st, 2010
by Zendette.
6 comments

The kids are alright now, but last week we had emergencies and antibiotics for both of them! I had enough antibiotics to fill up my veggie bin in the fridge. It seems the sicker they get, the less they/I/we sleep.

I missed work last week to stay home with one, and then the other. It’s terrible to have to take days off when I haven’t even been there a month, but such is the life of a working mom. When they’re sick, our neighbor can’t babysit them because she can’t risk her own kids catching it. Teenagers are in school, so I’ve got to find a babysitter who is out of school and doesn’t have kids of her own. Once I find that rare creature, I’ll need to pay her a higher hourly than I earn!

Now they are feeling better, but the antibiotics suck. Karen’s moodiness got much worse. Got a call from one her friends’ mothers just now. She called to let me know that Karen kicked her daughter 3 times today…..because she wouldn’t share her cereal with Karen. I had specifically asked this mom to let me know if anything happened after her daughter came directly to me to tell me that Karen had punched her. Karen is asleep, so it’s too late to talk to her about it now, and if I bring it up in the morning, it means she will probably have another lousy day at school. Lousy for her can be anything from smart mouthing the teacher, to punching or kicking another child. I’ll need to talk to her about it tomorrow after I pick her up from school. Talking doesn’t help. We will sit and create “I’m sorry” gifts, but that doesn’t do much either. I can ban play dates for the week. I can take away her gymnastics class for this week. But that’s about it. What else can I do?

Oh, and if you’re wondering why a teacher didn’t call, so am I. The girl Karen kicked said that the assistant teacher who saw it told her it wasn’t a big deal, and that she is fine. I hate getting calls from the teachers, but I hate even more having to find out from someone else. It’s irresponsible of them not to call me, especially since they know Karen is in therapy for behavioral issues, the worst of which usually occur at school.

Our therapist isn’t an occupational therapist, and I’m wondering if we need another person to work with her. I’ve been reading about how carrying heavy things is good for kids with poor sensory integration. They sell weighted vests and other things like that. I can just make her carry her own backpack for a change, I guess….

2 steps back

Oct 24th, 2010
by Zendette.
5 comments

I had hoped that Karen’s behavioral problems were beginning to improve, at least at kindergarten, if not at home. Her teachers told me that she has been behaving well, at least she’s not hitting anyone. This morning I ran into one of her friends’ moms. While making conversation, I asked her if things had improved and whether her daughter had complained about Karen. I was aware that Karen had pulled her daughter’s hair about a week ago. Imagine my surprise when the mother tells me that her daughter has almost daily complaints about Karen saying bad things, hitting and punching her!

All of last year, Karen was seeing a social worker who specializes in the problems of adopted children. Over the summer we experienced a worsening of Karen’s behavior and I got a referral to a senior clinical psychologist who specializes in children with oppositional behavior. I understand from my reading that it is normal for Karen to have delayed emotional development because the theory is that a child adopted from an institutional setting usually only begins their emotional development once they are placed with their family. Karen has been with us 3.5 years, which would mean her emotional development is similar to a 3-4 year old. But this still doesn’t explain why she has anger so volcanic that when it comes out, it is inevitably hurtful, whether it is a verbal or a physical assault.

We believe her overwhelming anger stems from her first two years in the orphanage. Her experience was very different from Matan’s. We could clearly see that he was in a warm and caring environment, even if the physical setting was terrible. With Karen, the physical environment was slightly better (she had a bigger living space), but she received no affection and probably much of the opposite. My guess is that being a girl, and not ethnically Ukrainian, she was treated as an outsider by the caretakers who tended to ascribe only the worst to her. She also had breathing problems which meant that she may have spent a lot of time in a cold, medical environment when she had asthma attacks which were common when she was younger. She was already aggressive when we first met her, but she was our first child and we expected that her behavior was fairly normal for an orphanage child. Only once we brought Matan home did we begin to see the huge difference in their ability to receive and give affection. Of course today Karen is very affectionate with us, but has trouble showing affection to any of her more extended family.

We are doing everything we can to help her get ready for first grade so she can start over with improved behavior. I’m terribly afraid that if we don’t manage to get this thing under control this year, she will have more and more serious social problems and problems in school. As it is, she has alienated many girls who were her friends. She is very lucky that she has one very close friend at gan whose mother knows Karen since the adoption. The friend never complains about Karen and her mother has no problem sending her daughter to our home, or taking Karen into her own.

Karen has a poor self image. I was surprised to discover this during one of our discussions with her therapist. We make so much effort to give her positive reinforcement for good behavior and showing loving attention to her brother or others, etc. Even when she hits or engages in other antisocial behavior I tell her the behavior is bad, but she’s not. I always try to make this very clear, no matter what she’s done.

Today a mother asked me whether I thought there was anything that would eventually help Karen, or would she “stay this way”. My mood took an instant tumble as I made a mental note to ask our therapist at our next parent meeting on Friday. Can therapy improve Karen’s behavior in the long term, or is it just a temporary patch that will require ongoing treatment to find a positive way to help her get the negative energy out? In other words, is she ruined for life. I can’t let myself think that way, it’s just too heavy for me, and I feel the tears stuck in my chest.

Post title is taken from my friend and fellow blogger, Dana, who writes about her challenges in raising a daughter with autism spectrum. We both suffer the pain of not knowing whether our children will improve with treatment and whether the we are doing the most that is possible. Meanwhile, our children struggle day to day and moment to moment to feel “normal” and fit in with their peers.

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