Just over a year ago, a friend whose opinion I greatly respect mentioned that we all have to learn to forgive before we can completely heal. We had been discussing chronic pain issues and how to become healthy, from a mind/body/spiritual perspective.
At the time, I was confused because I didn’t get what he meant by forgiveness, nor how to go about learning to do something I didn’t understand. Still, the comment stuck with me, and I hoped that over time I would learn to understand what it meant. My own childhood included a messy parental divorce and international child-napping (kidnapped by dad). Overall, there is probably still a lot I need to forgive, although I can’t seem to connect to how and why.
Patience means waiting until the time is ripe. I usually expect that something will happen to indicate the time has come for something to change. More than year has passed since the conversation with my friend. Yesterday, in our meeting with Karen’s therapist, she told us that Karen suffered terribly during the first two years of her life, and that helping her overcome the damage was totally in our hands. She alluded to Karen’s “tikkun”, being a function of our ability to help her, and by the way, our own “tikkun”. So it looks like I’ll need to take another look at that whole forgiveness issue again if I am to really help Karen with all my heart and soul.
Interestingly, I’m going to see my friend again soon, after almost a year. I’m hoping something he says will help me click onto the next step towards my tikkun, and thru that, maybe Karen’s tikkun as well. More likely, Karen’s tikkun will lead to my own.
*Tikkun is a Hebrew word that means “repairing” the world, usually in a spiritual sense. I’d be happy if anyone wants to correct me on this, and perhaps give a better definition.
a twice-told tale 
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Alex’s therapist said nearly the same thing this week. We will never be able to imagine what our children endured. How terrifying it must be for a little baby to need love and comfort and to not receive it. To be an assembly line child, fed, changed and napped on schedule, but with no adult to make them feel whole. They learned to rely only on themselves, to not trust, because they had no idea who was coming in to take care of them each day. They could only depend on the routine. Alex’s survival mechanism was to charm the socks off of everyone (because the charmers got more attention, smiles, hugs, and maybe even food) and never let on what a scared little boy he was. Is. But when his routine changes, he can’t handle it because he has no foundation of trust, no grounding to help him deal.
The book I mentioned (Beyond Logic, Consequenses & Control) alludes to the same type of tikun you mention above. That our negative reactions to our children’s behavior come from our own unresolved fears. Honestly, I used to think this was all a crock of shit. But every time I reread the book I learn a little more about myself and my son.
I hear him rocking in bed right now and I’m off with a bottle – to show him, as I tell him daily, that Mommy always takes care of him and always comes back.
Lita,
In charting my own path of forgiveness I was totally moved and inspired by Iyanla Vanzant. She is a motivational speaker but her books are so wonderful and she was able to overcome so much by choosing to forgive. She had a miserable childhood, suffered much physical and mental abuse and began her life as an adult way too early but by being ruled by those things. But by deciding to forgive and love herself she charted a different course for herself and her children. As a child I never suffered physical abuse in any way, but my parents certainly inflicted a lot of damage on me. Iyanla’s books helped me tremendously, much more than the years of therapy I went through, and certainly much more than the bad choices and self loathing behavior I practiced for years to numb myself from my pain. Her books helped me to really understand that our lives are in our own hands, that no matter how much pain has been inflicted on us, we can still choose forgiveness. The part that spoke to me so much was that even though we did not get what we need from our parents as children, we can still give it to ourselves. I remember still reading that for the first time and thinking how simple it really is. And for me that is where my own tikkun began.
I’ve read many of her books but by far the most inspirational to me was ‘Yesterday I Cried’ and I also loved ‘In the Meantime’ but she has many others (although they get a little new agey for my taste). I am not someone who is easily inspired and I loathe self help books but these really really spoke to me. Don’t let the fact that she was one of Oprah’s ‘pet authors’ discourage you either. Thankfully I found that out after I read her first book, otherwise I wouldn’t have gone near her.
Many authors on forgiveness get preachy in their views but Iyanla is very human, it is like she is working out her views on the page. It is very moving and thought provoking.
She really is wonderful, she will get you thinking and that might help you on your own tikkun and I think that can only be good for you and for Karen.
Her books are available on Amazon.